I want to talk to someone. But I can't. And it hurts, it's killing me. Each day is worse than the last, I feel like I'm losing myself more and more. I hate myself and NO ONE understands ANYTHING. I hate that they are always talking about stuff that upsets them, and I can't say anything because I can't trust anyone. I promised my mum I would never ever self harm ever again, and I did it. Because I am pathetic, and a failure and I hate my life. I know I probably sound like a spoiled teenager, I'm sorry. I have concerns for numerous mental illness (schizophrenia, ocd, anorexia, depression etc), and I just want to talk to someone, anyone.

School found out after teachers saw me being depressed and saw my cuts, so they talked to me on three separate occasions, and now think I am absolutely fine. I'm worse than ever. I see no hope in anything, I am paranoid of everyone's intentions, I have low self confidence, I starve myself, I still self harm. I am not looking for sympathy, I just need to vent this out.

It got too much and I told a close "friend" and another person. She couldn't stop crying which made my depression worse, but now she thinks I'm fine and when I look depressed (I try not to) she tells me to "cheer up you emo". That hurts. She thinks she has terrible problems and thinks no one is as confused as her (she's gay, and is always hinting it to people). The other one said she understood (she used to self harm) and I told her about my mental health worries, I thought I could actually trust someone. I was wrong. She doesn't even acknowledge my existence and ignores me. I don't like any of them any more, how horrible am I. I can't trust them, they are always talking about me behind my back, I practically begged one of them to stay with me in town when it was getting dark (I was on my own + I get anxiety) but she just walked off.

School told my mum who was extremely upset. I promised I would never do it again. I guess I lied. I don't deserve my parents, or anyone. I have insomnia and am sinking deeper and deeper into a hole which I cannot get out of. I'm scared, I'm really really scared. I have so many hopes and dreams but I can't reach them because of all this. I have really important exams coming up in less than two weeks and can't concentrate enough to revise for them. I'm a failure, and everyone knows it. I get bad thoughts and I think people can read my mind, so they are going to think I am a terrible person.

I prayed last night. It was midnight and one again I couldn't sleep and I was crying a lot. I prayed to God to kill me. I wanted it so badly, I still do. I just want a friend, I feel so alone all of the time. I hate this stupid world, I don't even think I am human. I can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality.

I'm not even religious, but I believe something is out there, a force of some sort. I pray for a friend, I want a true friend more than anything. This sounds so cheesy, but I feel alone all the time (I have no pets, siblings or cousins either, so I don't really talk to anyone). I also hate social events because of paranoia.

I have been asking to see a psychiatrist since I was 11 (I just turned 15), but I don't see the point any more. Everyone will just think I'm crazy and lock me away. I can't trust anyone enough to tell them my problems. I hope you don't think I am a coward. I try to be strong and brave, but I suppose I'm just a loser in this stupid world.

Thanks for reading.