From your description of you Mother, she sounds like a wonderful person. It also sounds like you both went through a horrible trauma when your father ended up in ICU & your brother dying. I can realize how at that age you would have felt that she left you, but as you can look back now, you can realize how important it was for your mother to be there with your father.

The way you describe your mother, I would have loved to have a mother that I looked up to. Someone that I could have as a role model rather than a person that you have as someone not to have your life like (that was my mothers role). My Mother wasn't bad, I just couldn't live my life the way she lived hers. Anyone that has high morals, intellect, achievements, & kind actions like you described your mother, could never find a reason to not accept you nor not forgive you for anything.....that just doesn't match her personality.

It sounds like you have open communications with your mother, but sounds like you may be a little more open than your mother. I don't know if you are seeing a psychologist, but it may be a good time for both of you to go in together, It sounds like you need to know what is going on inside of your mother rather that just what your observations are. It sounds like two way communication on the issues that you are having problems with could be a good place to start to help with your anxiety level. It sounds like that part of her life, she keeps to herself....maybe she hurts also & by avoiding some of those feelings, she can stay in control. You both lived through the trauma & maybe a psychologist can help you both get out some of the feelings that are going on inside. She sounds like a wonderful person, & I would have loved to have a mother that fit your description to be proud of.

Maybe this vacation with just the 2 of you (no friends) can be a chance for your mother & you to open up about some of the issues you have & maybe you can get your mother to talk about the things that are bothering you & what you feel insecure about....not to ruin the vacation, but maybe there will be a chance for some of it to come out. Even if it doesn't, it will be a good chance for both of you to have some wonderful experiences together rather than a trauma.

I can relate to anxiety making my ED worse.....when I experienced anxiety while & after dealing with the trauma I went through with the ID theft when my mother was dying of cancer last year, I lost so much weight & ended up in the medical hospital for 2 months being treated for anemia & malnutrition. I was 11 pounds underweight with a pdoc that was telling me that if I left the hospital to go to my Mothers funeral, I would die in a couple of days. I went AMA from the hospital & went to the funeral & obviously, I didn't die. However the PTSD symptoms have been constantly haunting me everyday since then.

I hope you can find some answers & hopefully you can find a psychologist that can help both of you together. It is the best way to have someone there to help you both with the PTSD issues you have been left with. Enjoy your vacation together....it could be the best thing that can happen to you both.

My prayers are with you,
Debbie