so I went. told the truth. was going to go in but then she rang up the bed manager, there are no beds. even though my T had organized a few days ago for me to go in.

she said I could go to ED until a bed came up but I refused cuz I always end up under the mental health act and fighting with the nurses in ED cuz I hate being there.

so I came home after T called my cousins to tell them what was going on and called crisis team who have to keep accessing if I need to go to ED even though I don't want to.

there might be a bed tomorrow. I'm meant to call T to discuss it.

but why? if I make it through tonight then I must be okay. I must not need to go in cuz I can keep myself safe.

T told the crisis team I am "in crisis" what does that mean? I'm suicidal? well yeah but I almost did it this morning but I didnt so I must be okay.

she wanted me to pick an option. I pick option 3. staying home and whatever happens happens and I don't care. even if this option leads to option 4 (suicide).

I showed her some writing but it made no sense.

our session went over and a girl from my DBT group was waiting to see T after me and she was so grumpy that she didn't go in right on time. then she gave me the worst look when I came out. I hate that I took up Ts time with someone else. I don't deserve it.

I don't know what to do.
aboutt hospital
about talking to T
about all the **** with my phone being hacked
about school starting soon
about anything.

I just want it to be over.

the voices are here worse than ever but they comfort me. help me feel less alone. let me see there is a way out. they understand.

maybe this is what I'm meant to do. how it's meant to end.
fate.