Thanks, Michelle. I don't see anything helping me with my gay issues. Being gay is so far out of my comfort zone. My T says he can help me learn coping skills that I was never taught / learned. Frankly, I think there's more to it than that since I have several physical problems with sex that complicate things.

I have been treated cruelly over the years at school and especially on the job. I am not able to deal with it anymore. I try to stay home as much as possible because socially I am a total failure. And, I am not up to trying anymore. More failure is just too painful.

To others in the community, I am sexually stuck up because I am uncomfortable with sexuality. I don't like to sleep around much - tried it at the encouragement of old friends - but did not enjoy sex without intimacy. Not that I've had a lot of chances - I'm far from being what is considered good looking. Still, being unattractive and seeking intimacy helped a lot when the AIDS plague struck because no one wanted to sleep with me. I lost some of my best friends from the plague. And, the friends that survived, in retrospect, where dysfunctional and actually hurt me. I learned too late just how dysfunctional they were. They are gone now - they gave up on their lives - and I am on my own.

Right now, I need to get a job and a new career. My last two employers harrassed me for months until the anxiety and stress made me explode. Now, no one wants to hire me. I did not get physically violent - I just yelled at them for treating me so badly. [I grew up in a home where, especially mom, screamed all the time.] The daily job stress grew so bad that I would come home not have the energy to brush my teeth or take off my clothes before going to bed. I would work late everyday and not catch up. My work was good and so was my productivity - I just accepted jobs in bad places where no one survives. And, according to my T, grew up in a dysfunctional home that made me unable to recognize the danger brewing on the job; danger that resembled my youthful home life. From what I learned here at PC, these bosses met the definition of psychopaths - they enjoyed making others suffer and destroying their careers. Since I am gay, that made me an easy (and desirable) target.

Over the years I've done a lot of counseling but it has not helped much. Cognitive therapy was a disaster and mention of it brings back bad memories. The 12-step probram CoDA was also a disaster. I objected to someone touching me inappropriately after a meeting and was made a pariah. I've tried doing volunteer work but have not found acceptance there either. My allergies prevent me from even having pets. I have stopped believing in god because the god I was raised with is anti-gay. I drag myself to temp jobs where they really like my work but will not hire me. It appears that it is legal to harrass employees but it is career destroying to object to the harrassment. Who in their right mind would hire a 54 year old unhappy and unattractive fag like me? I am running out of money and am out of hope.