You poor sweet soul. I too have had my share of suffering. I also have PTSD, and other issues as well. Please do not blame yourself for things that you had no control, or maybe the symtoms of your problems that may have concurred.. The world beats us up enough without our help in doing it. Im telling you this, because I sometimes need to here this myself, and I share with you much of the same turmoil. Take care my freind and just know you are not alone. Someone once told me when you are feeling at your worst to remember that there is someone out there in our world who is having it a little worse. Try counting your blessings, when bleakness is all that your soul can feel, or see. It works. (Most of the time anyway LOL). May blessing and miracles be bestowed upon you. Take care and kind wishes and Luck are sent to you from me. I wish I could do more.