Bebop,
That is very true, the "firsts" are the hardest, when I lost my dad in 2002, many people who I met that had lost someone close to them, told me that.
There was someone here awhile back that said, "it doesn't get easier, it's just that we sort of are forced to accept it", which also made sense as the couple of years have past.
Each person has different kinds of relationships, my oldest brother, kept making it sound that he was most sad, and missed my dad more, cause he spent more years with him, and worked years with him at the same company. The other brother sort of would rag on to me with that too, till I set the 2 of them straight. See, so I am the youngest, and the only girl, did they think my heart didn't break? Do they think their history with dad was anymore meaningful than mine? They both came to realize that their little sister's heart was breaking, and I told them, everyone's relationship was different and special, but because they were born way before me, didn't mean my feelings and relationship with my dad and I, didn't count, and I told them this was not a contests of who was hurting more.
I'm rambling, and I apologize, this thread just clicked with me, and I wanted to share some of the different things grieving can do to us, and to stress to anyone who has lost a loved one, that there are no certain time limits on grieving, there are no rules, rather to cry,not cry,miss or not miss someone tremendously or not, etc.
KD, just let it all come, if you find yourself weeping, it's okay, if you feel you may be in denial, that's okay too, we are individuals and are effected in different ways, when we lose a loved one.
Every now and then, especially as mom gets rushed in and out of hospitals, I go to the phone, as if I was going to call my dad, like I use to everyday. In the begining I found it weird, how I felt so much that I could call him and chat, even though I knew he was dead, maybe that was denial or not, maybe just the need to talk to him was so strong, my mind was in conflict? I don't know, but it has changed my life, forever.
Take care now,
DE

(((((((((( KD,Bebop, and everyone here ))))))))))))