First, let me say thank you for your service to our country. I used to work at our local VA Hospital and it was an honor to serve those who have served.

I've highlighted this small part of your post because it's the part that really stands out to me. Can you describe your high moods? I think I can understand your lows pretty well from what you've posted...but what does it look like at the other end of the spectrum? Do you currently see a psychiatrist or a counselor? If not, I'd suggest getting in to see someone soon and having a full evaluation. Of course we cannot diagnose you here at PC, but my first thought reading your post was a possible bipolar disorder, which is why I'm inquiring about your high moods. And the highs of bipolar aren't always happy ones. They can be angry and agitated as well. Shift work and difficult schedules can make it worse. The good thing is that it's very treatable and can be managed.

Call your doctor and tell them everything you've told us. And make sure they know about your high moods, even if you feel really good during them. You deserve to feel better. You were willing to end your life for your family....make a phone call for them instead.