I literally have no time to be dealing with feelings like this. My life needs to do a 180, yesterday.

I'm trying to fix my mediocre life, and now I'm at a stand still. My job in retail banking is mediocre, my boyfriend, my boss, my income, my other job opportunities, my friends, my living situation, my idea of what a good job would actually be; everything is a testament to previous failures.

I know they say a great deal of happiness comes from between the ears, but I feel completely bombarded on all fronts. I can hardly bring myself to work. I hold back crying at my desk everyday, and I have probably cried in this past year more than I had in a decade.

I daydream about quitting my job in a not very courteous way. I'm struggling to find an adequate replacement. Its my first job that offers benefits. I need these benefits, otherwise the parents I live with will be deeply disappointed if I walk out. What the hell did I go to college for? ...To have a condescending boss talk down to either me or the rest of her staff all day, surround us all with her gossip and tirades?
I'm acting out now. I'm doing those seemingly small things that make her upset, and then she goes into her usual tirade. Its just, lately I feel powerless and I don't want to submit to her ego anymore....[or her gross inability to manage, or her inability to effectively teach her staff without getting frustrated....] I'm shooting myself in the foot. I've been trying to just let it slide and accept that I will have to deal with people like this my whole life, and I'm only going on her level when I act out, but I have never ever had such a problem with a boss my entire life and no one is willing to stick up to this tyrant because everyone knows it will come back to haunt them somehow. Just sweeping it under the rug has just made it blow up worse months later.

I feel stuck and powerless. Never mind all my other problems. Work is just there most of the time so its harder to deal with than say, an insensitive boyfriend. I can always dump my boyfriend. I can always just spend all my time alone away from my retarded friends. [Is it so much to want friends who are good influences; friends who represent good things that you would like to aspire to?] I wish I had a female mentor who's been through it and could give practical advice...After I've found someone who can prescribe me some god damn pills to get me through this until I find a way out.

And hopefully I can figure out if this accounting degree is something I'd like to really use or not. I hated my accounting internships, but after dealing with my boss from hell I really feel like I need to be in a position where I can have more autonomy and be my own boss. I don't know if I'm even in a healthy enough state of mind to be making these decisions. I've been out of school for 3 years, time has been flying by, and I still have no idea what I am doing.

I don't know anymore. I thought, after struggling with depression since childhood, that I finally got a hold of it. It turns out I'm the same old mess I've always been.

Thank for letting me vent. I'm sorry if anyone actually read this.