Tom, you own YOUR BRAIN. No one owns it, people can say what they want but YOUR INCHARGE or YOUR BRAIN. And YOUR BRAIN is much like a built in computer in your head. However what happens is in our childhoods our parents put a lot of information in our Brain Computers from the time we are born. What many of us don't realize is that because we have eyes and ears and senses that all put information into our brain, there can be things that we absorb that we don't truely realize.

So our brains take in a lot of programs and data that we tap on when we think about life and ourselves. If parents have a troubled marriage, yell and scream at each other, stress in front of us, get so busy with themselves that they send messages that we are in their way, inconvenient etc. All of these messages go into our brains which storr not only this information, but all the emotions we feel about this environment as well. If we have older siblings, all their actions, words, and interactions with us also get storred, along with all the emotions that go with these interactions and experiences.

Along the way what we take in is our sense of importance depending upon the messages we receive in the very beginning. Ofcourse we also take these messages as a base and take them to school and the interactions with teachers and other students CAN reinforce the information we have from our parents and home invironment. If we go to school with a sense that we are not important or not loved or afraid to try things, we DO send those messages to others and our interactions can end up being storred as more bad messages coming in that all stem from what we learn from the people around us from the very beginning.

So, while this is YOUR BRAIN, you didn't necessarily program it all by yourself initially. What this CAN mean is that you probably have some information that you base your thoughts on that CAN be toxic to you and your well being. If you have any disorders that you were born with, it can make it even more challenging.

But, this is still YOUR BRAIN, and because your older now, your in charge of it and how you utilize what is in your brain to naviagate yourself through life. Here is where you have to truely find out what information is there, what is the incorrect information and what you can "LEARN" to "CONSCIOUSLY" change.

To give you an example, I have PTSD that stems from MY childhood. I didn't know it, there is information in MY brain that has been stored, along with extreme emotions that have a lot of anxiety, fear, and anger that I was not truely consciously aware of.
There were things I managed to learn how to do to self provide and yet other things I didn't learn and instead I ran or hid or stayed quiet and felt anger, fear, anxiety, and felt trapped somehow. My sense of who I was, my capability, self approval, sense of ability to learn and achieve, and overall sense of self worth all was established in ways I was truely not consciously aware.

Tom, "I had no idea" how many emotions were truely storred that sent me signals and even formed what is now called TRIGGERS. So the things that your talking about here, the lack of self worth, the anger at others and even yourself, are KEYS to messages you somehow storred and you NOW have to find out WHERE THEY ARE, and WHAT they MEAN to YOUR BRAIN and NOW "LEARN" how to slowly CHANGE the SPAM that is in YOUR BRAIN.

When you receive a message and express the anger your talking about here, "You are never right", "They can do what they want", " No you cant do that". Your saying your confused, what that means is YOU ARE JUSTIFIABLY CONFUSED. But you don't have to stay that way you can LEARN what it means and HOW to LEARN to change all that.
Yes, it is YOUR BRAIN and now it is time to sort through YOUR BRAIN and figure out how to choose the information you can truely USE and the information you NEED TO TRASH. Along with that your going to have to put in NEW INFORMATION, that can help you gain more POWER OVER "YOUR BRAIN" that can improve your capacity to feel better about yourself and "LEARN" how to consciously balance yourself out and fuction better.

So yes, get the information you need from your medical records. But also get together with a "GOOD" therapist so you can spend time figuring out how to identify the SPAM and then EDUCATE YOURSELF in replacing that with THE CORRECT INFORMATION YOU NEED TO CHANGE HOW YOU INTERACT, FEEL, AND TRUELY GAIN CONTROL OF YOUR OWN BRAIN. Because Tom, this is YOUR brain, and YOU deserve that. You don't deserve to be angry and hostile to yourself or accept signals from others that convince to to continue to be angry with yourself.

Now Tom, you will have to understand that other people are not going to understand, truely understand your personal struggles with YOUR BRAIN that is in control of your emotions and nervous system response that accompanies thoughts and emotions. Other people can only look at you and judge you by how they control their brains and emotions. When you come to PC you will meet others that are confused about how they feel and deal with life. You will meet others that struggle with self worth, anxiety, are depressed, are angry, speak of SI and also have trouble being understood by people IRL just like you. Within this site, people are working on their own brains, struggling day by day and are "LEARNING" why and how to slowly take over their brains and better "DEAL" with the emotions, sense of loss, and confusion you speak of yourself. I am here doing just that myself, and I am talking to you about what I am learning and I can tell you that I DO struggle, but I also have come to realize that I have to "LEARN" HOW TO OVERCOME THE SPAM IN MY BRAIN AND CONTINUE TO WORK AT IT AND "TAKE CHARGE" OF WORKING AT IT DAY BY DAY. It isn't easy, and yes, I have times when I am very angry too, I have times when others react to me with a "just get over it" response, or that "I do this or that wrong". Often the loudest negetive voice is MY OWN.

How you titled this thread? Your angry and you are now not only blaming others but YOURSELF. I do that too, and so do many other members that are here. So in that I can identify with you, and so can others. What I CAN tell you is that you truely have to take an inventory and finally work on figuring out how YOU can LEARN with the right kind of help HOW TO "CHANGE" that sense of anger and being "SICK OF IT ALL".

Open Eyes