I am fed up with not being sure what's really going on with me. I have schizophrenia. I was diagnosed with it two years ago by my pdoc and until now I’ve been quite good with taking my meds so I’ve never had a relapse.

But here’s the problem. My GP put me on an antidepressant because I requested one for anxiety. Within a space of two months I tried all these meds: Citalopram, Sertraline, Escitalopram, and back to Sertraline (the first time it made me bleed continuously but we decided to try it again to see if it did it again).

Anyway, it apparently sent me manic and I was only on it two weeks. I decided to stop taking it, but the mania continued for three weeks after. I have been spending without guilt. I saw my pdoc a few days ago who claims its AD induced mania which is not true bipolar mania. I tried to explain to my pdoc that this can't be mania because I don't feel euphoric. I do feel better than normal, but not euphoric. My aunt who works in the mental health field as a social worker said she's seen bipolar patients and I have nothing to worry about because I don't look manic.

Euphoric is what I felt before my psychotic break. I felt "high". I felt like I was on something. I was working in another job at the time, and I even asked my colleagues why they seemed more down than usual. The problem wasn't that they were down. The problem was that I was up. At least I think so. Two years is a long time but I can still recall some of it. I tried to pursue one of my colleagues and I would NEVER do such a thing in a million years. This is the embarrasing part. I would read into peoples conversations and add sexual meaning to them when I got psychotic. I know it's odd but I thought I had special powers where I could feel what the other person was feeling too. I was laughing a lot more at jokes and it was horrendous. My colleagues were like "wow, I've never seen you laugh before" and kept making comments like "why are you laughing" or "smiling"? It was because of all these random thoughts in my head.