Hi tomjones,

I read your first couple posts in this thread. I believe I felt the way you do in my past. I became clinicly depressed at 18 and depressed and psychotic by 19 or 20. I needed to live in shelters and halfway houses and hospitals for a long time as a result. I needed to take powerful medicine, also, that slowed my mind down. I would lie in bed and wish I could sleep, just so I could escape for a short time. This was my life for a seemingly long time. It got better in time. The medicine stopped me from doing and saying scary things. That allowed me to have a relationship with my, then girlfriend, now wife of ten years. I do not have to take that medicine anymore, with my docs knowledge and consent. I work part time and have been an effective step-dad. I'm not superman, and I have flaws etc., but I can manage them and get by and help others get by also. Talk to your therapists and doc honestly. I'm pretty sure they are trained to spot lies or inconsistancies anyway. Lieing is impossable, I believe. Tell them what is going on and they can help. Keep secrets, and the pain and isolation will continue. That is the way it works, I believe. It doesn't sound like things are too good right now for you. I can't help you, but my advice, from my own experience, is to try being honest in therapy and with you med doc. Take the meds and cope as best you can. You will be laying the foundation for a good life in the futurte, I believe. I'll pray for you and I hope you feel better. I've been filled with rage before also, and with good reason. I'm sorry that you feel that. It is not fair, but it is not anyones fault, nor yours. Mental illness is a, "no fault, no blame" illness. Take care of your self, without your health, not much else will ever matter.