This is my first post, so it is going to be kind of long because I want people to know about me and where I'm coming from. Also, I didn't really know where to post this, but I think this is an okay category.

This is all background information that I feel is possibly relevant to my problems. It is quite lengthy though, so I bolded another sentence later on in this post to label where my current issues are.

My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6 if I remember correctly, and at the time, it did not seem like a big deal. Both of my parents are good people, they have never hit me, and they don't drink, smoke or do drugs, and I am thankful for that. But as I got older, I started to wonder why, why they got divorced and why they never tell me what happened.

I started wondering most about this in the summer after 8th grade, and it really started to bother me. I'm a smart kid, (I have a 4.0 through 5 semesters of high school) so I started to put some things together to come up with an idea of what happened, why my life is what it is...what I came up with was my mom cheated on my dad with a family friend.

I had a lot of puzzle pieces that I put together to come up with the assumption, so I will share some of those. When I was younger, I would remember my mom going over to this family friend's house, but his wife would not be home. My brother and I would play with his four kids while they went off somewhere. I never found out where, but it never bothered me because I didn't think much of it then. Later, when my dad would talk about this family friend after the divorce, he would get extremely upset and angry, even when he was holding back all of the emotion I could tell he was feeling. There was also an occasion when my step dad was talking about how he saw my dad somewhere, but my dad would not say anything to him. As I was leaving the room, I heard my step dad say, and I quote, "I don't know why he is still so upset about that; it was years ago since that happened." I also had my step sister (my step dad's daughter) tell me that my mom and her dad were having an affair. When I was little, I also remember walking in on one of my parents' fights. I can now assume the reasons why.

At this point, I had a pretty good guess on what happened between my parents, but I couldn't be for sure until I talked with them. I talked to one of my athletics coaches, and she had a guess on what had happened but would not tell me until I talked to one or both of my parents. With her help, I finally was able to find a way to talk to my parents, which was another clue as to what had happened.

I talked to my dad first, and he confirmed what I had expected. His reaction was also more believable as he choked back tears to tell me. But the thing was, he also took some of the blame, and I was not expecting that. He talked about how he should have done more to help out, been home more, done more with my mom. He was responsible enough to accept that he did those things. He would spend nights in the winter playing basketball because I remember going with to watch, and in the summer, he would play slow pitch softball. I remember this too even though I was at a young age.

My mom's reaction and story was far less believable. The talks we have consist of her verbally attacking my dad, and that hurts me when she talks about him like that. She talked about all the things my dad admitted to, among other things. She accused HIM of cheating on HER with someone else, but I never noticed that when I was younger. I wouldn't though because he was not home a lot. She also denies the fact that she had an affair. This hurts me because I feel like she is lying to me. And I have given her many chances to come clean. It's not so bad that she did it because it IS in the past; I CAN'T change it now. In fact, I never could change it because it is not my fault, never has been. I understand that, but it's the fact that I don't think I can trust her. The thing that bothered me with her the most was that she never took ANY of the blame. It was everything my dad did wrong, it was his fault. She still does this to this day when she gets the chance, and sometimes she takes it out on me since my dad isn't there.

For example, my dad allows me to use a car to go to and from school and other activities, but I am allowed to drive it to my mom's too. My mom and step dad wanted an extra key so that they could move it while I was at my dad's in case of an emergency. I told my dad, and he said no for a number of different reasons. I relayed the message, which I shouldn't even have to do in the first place because I am not a messenger, but I did anyways. I sat in the living room with them for fifteen minutes listening to them yell at me for what my dad said. I ended up leaving because I decided that I don't deserve to be yelled at like that when I didn't do anything. Yeah, I got in trouble for that too...

I coped through sports for these many years, and that works for me. At least until I get injured. These are the times I struggle most, and I think a lot. Too much, actually. Recently, I injured a ligament in my fingers/hand/arm, and I only went back to sports on Tuesday (1-17-12). I already am noticing a change in my mood, and I am grateful for this.

This is where the discussion on my emotions begins.

I'm not as bothered by the divorce as I was a few years ago, but it still crosses my mind every once in a while. I just think it has caused issues for me now, so I'm just going to list them as they come to mind.

I feel like I have somewhat chosen sides concerning my parents divorce. After my mom and dad both talked to me, my relationship with my dad increased, and the relationship with my mom decreased. I don't know if this is the "right" choice or not, or if there even is a "right" choice. I don't even know who is honestly telling the truth. There are always three sides to a story: person one's story, person two's story, and the truth. But I will probably never know the whole truth, and that's the way it is; I just have to accept that. But what if I am choosing the "wrong" side? What if my dad is lying to me, what will that do to our relationship if I ever find out? I'm afraid that if I look more into the situation, I'll be hurt again or even more if he did lie to me or did not tell me the whole truth. I know I should probably leave it in the past because it cannot be changed now, but I also feel like I have a right to know since it has affected my life in this way.

I never feel like I'm good enough for my mom. During days that I do not have school, she tends to give me a to-do list. Sometimes there are a lot of things on it, and I want some time to myself too. I can hand-wash dishes, wash my car, take out the trash, vacuum and do 4-5 loads of laundry along with making my own breakfast and lunch, but it's not enough for her because I forgot to sweep the bathroom floors. Sorry I guess? I don't know why that wasn't good enough because I did a lot that would not have gotten done if I was at school or playing sports.

I also think that she tends to favor my brother over me. I think this might be because my brother is more like my mom than I am, as I am like my dad. My mom and brother are into music, and I am into sports like my dad. I quit playing, and she was upset with this because I was really good. I just love sports so much more. I think she favors him because she will make up some excuses to get him out of doing something and make me do it instead. She will say, "Come wash the dishes since (my brother) was outside earlier." Well washing the dishes is not that bad, but he never does anything outside to help. He just goes outside because they ask him too. And a lot of the times they are burning outside, and if I go out, it triggers my asthma. I prefer to breathe. (:

I also tend to get in trouble more than my brother even when I shouldn't. I have a great sense of humor (I get it from my dad), but she never finds it funny. I wonder sometimes if it is because it is like my dad's, but that shouldn't make a difference. I can make a comment, and she yells at me, but my brother will say something similar and it's okay. Or if he says a negative comment towards me or calls me names using profane language, she doesn't believe me or doesn't punish him. If I call him "stupid," I get yelled at for five minutes over it. Not quite sure how that works...

It seems like I am stuck in the middle of everything too. I tend to be the "middle-man" between my parents. I find it sad that they cannot get along long enough to communicate between each other. I don't feel like being the messenger is my job. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Although I feel the ways listed above, this is my biggest issue and strongest emotion at the moment. I get so aggravated, irritated, and sometimes angry at the smallest things. My mom can ask me how my day was, and I snap back. "Fine, why?" Almost everything is disrespectful to her even though I don't mean to be. She just seems to want to have so much control over me, but I want some space and freedom. I know she cares and means well, but when I get into the situation, I find myself doing the same thing. I know this more than likely hurts her too, as she tends to get quiet after I show disrespect. I do it to my dad sometimes too though, just not as frequently. (This also increases during my injuries; I don't know if that has anything to do with it.)

I feel alone a lot of times. I find myself spending a lot of time in the basement, in my room, on my computer and watching athletic events. Sports is basically my life, but I only share that with my dad, and I don't go to his house as much as I live at my mom's. My mom tries to do things with me, but I'm just not interested in what she suggests, or I push her away. It's almost I don't want a relationship with her, but I don't know the cause of this unless it links back to the divorce. I just want freedom and some independence, is that too much to ask for? Am I doing the "wrong" thing for wanting this? I feel alone, yet I want to be left alone, is that normal? I don't know what to think...

I have considered going to live with my dad 100% of the time, but I don't think I can do it. I like it a lot better there, and I am happier there, but I don't want to hurt my mom, even though she has hurt me emotionally more than once. I have managed this situation for 10+ years, I think I can make it for two more. At least I hope I can...

More than anything, I am just confused. I'm confused on how to feel, what to think, what to say and what to do. I know I need to change myself for the better, and I am willing to try if I only knew how. I was hoping that somebody on here will be kind enough to read this post and help me out. I do still have a good relationship with my coach, but I don't want to text her about things that I may be overreacting about because she has a life too, and I don't feel like I am really worth her time.

Again, I apologize for the length. Any suggestions on how to change or opinions on why I feel the way I do would be greatly appreciated. Thank you again for your time.

JustDontAsk