I have recently started to wonder --- with this week and recent events, if I am in "mixed state" or if this is rapid cycling for me... I just don't know.

At times I feel Awesome but Suicidal at the same time even-- Then I can have hours of feeling suicidal (actually planning not just the flight ideas or wishing- getting the plan down and the supplies ready and going out) but then fear of failure and finding out the if the cause of failure happen what could happen... so i said wait another day; still was depressed for about 4 hours after that but yet I went out to the store and stuff (unusual thing for me when feeling this way- I usually dread to see people, let alone go out)... then when I got home I talked to my boyfriend-- Mixed state there of happy and depressed, then I got all happy and almost like hypomania (I stayed up the rest of the day - I work nights by the way so I was up all night and then the day) and doing crafts, posting on here and stuff (wednesday) then, ugh- Wednesday night I was awesome, but Thursday morning/afternoon I started to seep back down- and it felt like my inside emotions were being a ping pong going up and going down- ... and now with my friday night shift-- I have exploded again (i did this on Tuesday as well but not as huge as today).... and again I felt this awesomeness but yet suicidal feeling... I don't like this at all.

Does this sound like mix state or rapid cycling-- I am writting it down for my Therapist as well -- I have a lot to go over and doubt there will be enough time ( i have not seen her and when i do it will be 3 weeks-- which when I saw her last I was upset, down, suicidal but did not want to talk to her; then I felt better when talking to my boyfriend about the problem,... and then now this is going on)

sorry -- I just saw this and was about to post a question on it-- but figured I could write it here sory it is long. thanks