That's ok hc, we understand. You have so much to contend with. I'm know others have already tried to tell you this, and please excuse my armchair analyzing.. I have read your letter to your abuser and your many posts..I think you understand what is going on but am conflicted. You are naturally a kind, sweet and caring person but the person whose influence is strongest on you (your mum) keeps making negative comments towards you. Nature programmed into us that we are supposed to love our mothers but when they are mean...it's so very confusing and frustrating....sigh.. As you said, she will never change....You have worked so hard at trying to save yourself by posting..is there anything more you can try? moving out maybe? I remember you said you did not need therapy...