...so what is the attraction?
what makes a person an alcoholic?....it's a pretty random combination of chemicals to like?!
but there it is.
I was thinking about it for days and my multi personality was in fine form yesterday in particular. ( it's involuntarily in fine form most days)
the real me is deep inside buried and tormented by unusual ideas of itself!

so I watch tv right!...most people watch tv...I have seen on tv ...people in places that are so remote yet they have a tv?...who knows maybe they watch me being amazed at their tv...on their tv?

anyway I hate movies these days but my video store is right beside the bottle shop...I got a movie last night (some american crap...sorry but yeh)
parked right out front!...something to watch instead of tv....as I pulled up
I uttered a few words of the cynical sober alcoholic about the crowds of pissheads circulating the place. hovering like thirsty big dumb birds .

how cunning is the drink?...and I need no rewards for any sober time...I know what goes on and if I am suddenly despicable for weakness then I can assure you I will sentence myself to a suitable punishment.

...but from experience I believe that it is important that I do not condemn myself and even more importantly than heaps important ...not to panic!!

so a boy had a drink. My battles run deeper than a stupid drink.

I must trust what I am doing right now.

and I am sorry to those who are relying on people like me! (lifetime substance abusers of the most extreme kind....be it a powder a plant a liquid a solid a ....whatever it might be..whatever altered my mind)
I apologise to those that rely on people like me for nothing. because the crap I have been through!

I really should be an inspiration if anything. ( watch the justification in action!)

I got weak tonight and I waited three days and I had my drink. I paid my bills...I did my washing...my dishes and shopping ..I kept my ******** to myself.

I cared...I worried enough...I am ok. I am 40 I am a big boy now...I will manage....when I am done.