...I have failed through so many psychotherapeutic relationships because I have been afraid they will give up on me and tell me I cannot be helped!

so I have used my meticulous hyperalert mind to manage my therapy over the years to make sure I keep getting it!

...and meanwhile I have not been accomplishing anything much apart from recycling my personal traumas over and over because I eventually crack and vanish.

with therapists it doesn't get much worse than confessing I don't GET IT! after a year or more of insisting I am GETTIN' IT!

I can see it coming...they don't see it coming, I pity them...I just dis-appear!

lies' with the best of intentions...what irony for the mentally ill ...for me!

to have brains yet emotionally handicapped.

there is not a single professional I have not inadvertantly manipulated for my own comfort just to have them there. It's easy for me to tell them what they want to hear ...but my ears are different and it's too loud...or too quiet...either way I don't understand myself.

I just want a therapist to understand that!