well i for one feel you are a great guy, DM. ok you fell off the truck/horse, etc. you can start over again. no need to beat yourself up, friend. always here for you.you deserve all the good things in life. those of us with some form of MI struggle staying sober. we have a tendancy to self medicate. but we can overcome our challenges. and we care about you here at pc. you've made a lot of progress already. hope you will remember that and so glad you posted. that's a high degree of honesty.