I have an insider who cuts (and I cut to a lessor degree on rare occassions) and this used to be quite distressing for me. It is still distressing for me, but as both her and I work on it, 'we' cut less and less.

It all began when we were 11 and has evolved from there. Cutting had mutiple levels for us....firstly we would usually be triggered into it, it was usually around feelings of self-hatred, being inadequate and wanting to destroy ourselves and render ourselves uttery useless and used up. We thought that if we bleed our bodies of pain that we would somehow be ok. We really wanted people to see all the pain we carried around because it just didn't seem fair that no one could see.

Sometimes we would cut and cut and cut and it was NEVER enough, we would cut until we felt, which sounds quite bizarre when I write it.

Once we had 'purged' ourselves of all the anger or ugliness we would go into selfcare mode.....and this usually felt pretty good..........then it would be the next day and we would jump in the shower and see the damage that had been done and fall into further self-hatred. It is truly a vicious circle.

It's funny because we really wanted people to see our pain but in RL if anyone see's our pain we put the army out to cause diversion. I worked out that both myself and the insider who cuts really want to be noticed, we want to be taken care of and to be listened to and believed. We want people to see our pain and acknowledge that we went through some things that a kid should never have to go through.........knowing what we need takes us half way towards being able to find it.

I HATE the fact that we self harm and I loathe the shame that goes hand in hand with it.