Happycheeks,
First of all, at least you recognized that perhaps your anger at yourself and coming here expressing that may not have been appropriate.

But, considering that this IS a support site, it actually was OK for you to do that. But what does it mean Happycheeks? Your IRL outside PC is not nourishing you, a deep need that you have and your actually expressing your deep anger about that DEEP NEED not being met somehow. And because a deep need has not, is not, being met in you, your ANGRY AT YOURSELF and PICKING ON YOURSELF. AND THE SAD PART IS, SO ARE MANY OTHER MEMBERS THAT COME TO PC ARE DOING THE SAME.

Perhaps we could start a thread about what PC could mean.

Pissed off Child
Please help this Child
Persecuted Child
Parent Abused Child
Parents neglected Child
Parent invalidated Child

Search for PEACE AND CONTROL

Happycheeks, today is your birthday, Happy Birthday. Your 19 and that is still very young. You have valid questions and concerns Happycheeks. But starting this year, you have to make a commitment to LEARN the meaning behind your deep questions. And GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO "LEARN" HOW TO FIND COMFORT AND UNDERSTAND THAT YOU "ARE" IMPORTANT AND ACTUALLY "CAN" LEARN HOW TO FILL YOUR PERSONAL DEEP NEEDS.

Happycheeks, the only way you are going to empower yourself is to "LEARN" because "KNOWLEDGE" is power and the path to learning "how" to gain "control over your life and how you feel about yourself".

Happycheeks, all your questions and concerns are VALID. "I HEAR YOU!" AND "I HAVE ASKED THE SAME QUESTIONS AND EXPERIENCED THE SAME FEELINGS MYSELF". As a matter of fact this community here at PC is a group of people WHO ARE ALL ASKING THE SAME QUESTIONS YOU ARE only in a lot of different ways.

These questions that are being asked, begin being asked from all of us at very early ages, become more of a personal concern in the TEEN years, and CAN COME UP THROUGHOUT LIFE for most people. When you ask these questions, does it mean your unworthy?, stupid?, not a valuable person?, don't have the right to ask?, should just know the answers?, should have your life all worked out?, should have a dream job?, a rewarding future?, should understand your personal struggles?, and this list can go on, just as the list using the letters PC can be added to as well. The answer is NO, just because you ask these questions, doesn't mean your a failure in ANY WAY. What is does mean is that YOUR ACTUALLY SMART, and YOUR BEING HUMAN and YOU WANT TO LEARN ANSWERS.

Happycheeks, I am supposed to be smart, so I have been told. But I don't feel that way, and when a therapist tells me that, I am often triggered and can become puzzled and upset by that statement. And the reason I feel that way is because I have not truely learned how to completely HELP MYSELF AND ANSWER THESE DEEP QUESTIONS. However, what I am willing to do, is LEARN HOW TO DO JUST THAT, ALLOW MYSELF TO "LEARN" HOW TO ANSWER MY OWN DEEP QUESTIONS. And Happycheeks, that is what every member here is PC is really trying to do. And the reason why it is such a basically "KIND" site, is because somehow we all know the "PERSONAL STRUGGLE" and we come here to FIND SUPPORT AND GIVE AND GET HONEST ADVICE.

Happycheeks, I am in my early 50's. I have been married for 31 years, raised a child who is now late 20's and I have owned my own business for over 20 years and I have learned a lot of things, experienced all kinds of people whom were disrespectful, abusive, bullied me, confused me, leaving me to feel helpless in some way and every single day I tend to ask the same questions as you do.

I have been in therapy trying to understand WHY I am struggling with a disorder called PTSD and understand what that means and how to overcome it. And for the past year that I have been coming to PC, I have been trying to understand WHY I sometimes am so crippled by the way I feel. I feel anxiety that I don't understand, I get triggered by all kinds of different things, I get very confused and have trouble concentrating and find that I have to escape and rest and calm myself down, and I have experienced moments of ANGER that just seems to come out of me, and even a deeper anger and DESIRE TO WANT TO GIVE UP ON LIFE ITSELF because I sometimes feel like I am a failure or are somehow incapable of MASTERING THIS THING CALLED LIFE. I feel like I am misunderstood, and I cant seem to communicate my deep needs somehow, or that other people don't get me, or I don't get them somehow. And one would think that at my age I would have mastered enough knowledge to answer my deep questions about myself, and how other people treat me and how I may not see everything so crystal clear.

After being Married for 31 years and trying to be respected and establish personal boundaries. I was only being successful at some things and yet not others oh where did I go wrong am I a total dummy?
One of the problems I had was getting my husband to understand that I deserve my personal space and that if I am in my room getting dressed and putting on my makeup etc, he should respect my space and not intrude on me. However, the constant message from him was that he had every right to intrude and that I was being unreasonable and even childish. Having a therapist tell me how smart I am only drives me to tears because I certainly missed quite a few steps along my life travels. And when I was your age Happycheeks, I didn't feel smart, I had self esteem issues, and I DID have a bad experience, I was date raped, well, that isn't being oh so smart is it? Oh, I learned some things, but the school I went to is the "SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS".

It took A THERAPIST to intervene on my behalf and explain to my husband that he was INVALIDATING MY RIGHTS AND PERSONAL BOUNDARIES. And the reality of my dilemma was I never "learned" how to communicate in a way that allowed me to establish the boundaries I so deserved. My husband NEVER learned how to respect the personal BOUNDARIES of others and that these boundaries are DESERVED.
And looking back, I was a broken record trying to establish my boundaries and allowed myself to endure the fact that I wasn't heard. I had every right to be heard, and I should have had enough faith in myself to truely STAND UP FOR MYSELF in ways that now, looking back I didn't do and didn't really know how to do.
And when I come to PC, it is obvious to me that I am not alone in that experience as well as lack of KNOWING how to truely establish my own boundaries EFFECTIVELY.

Happycheeks, you DO ask a lot of VALID questions. Questions about people who BULLY and what that means and YOUR RIGHT, that behavior is DISTURBING TO EVERYONE IT HAPPENS TO. And guess what, IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE. Every singe person that is born into life, has to LEARN how to DEAL with other people who, ARE DISRESPECTFUL, CONTROLING, BULLY, ACT INAPPROPRIATELY, ARE PREDITORS,
PUT OTHER PEOPLE DOWN, IGNORE THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS, EVEN MANIPULATE OTHERS AND SEEM TO GET AWAY WITH IT.

How do we gain a sense of personal value, strength, feel deserving, know how to gain respect, get appreciated, and even loved? Because we experience challenges in dealing with other people all our lives, the reality is WE HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO ESTABLISH OUR OWN SENSE OF SELF WORTH, NO MATTER WHAT WE see that OTHER PEOPLE LACK AND SEEM TO GET AWAY WITH. And one thing that is a constant, is our parents were winging it and they lacked too. Oh we are what we know, that is so true.

Happycheeks, I can look all the way back to my early childhood and now identify all the things that I didn't learn all the time I was growing up. All these things I didn't learn became my personal weaknesses. And all my personal struggles in my marriage and in my life, were because I never learned how to have faith in myself, and LEARN the communication skills that I truely needed to gain my COMPLETE SENSE OF SELF WORTH. This void is within most human beings and most of their lives they do their best to protect themselves whatever way they can. And every person that lives now and ever lived, asks the same questions you ask, I ask, EVERYONE ASKS either out loud or quietly in their own PSYCHIE.

The answer is something that HAS TO BE LEARNED in each of us. Every single person will be challenged ALL THEIR LIVES and the ones that truely survive and thrive are the ones that LEARN how to LEARN ALL THEIR LIVES. KNOWLEDGE is POWER, SKILLS are power, EDUCATION is power and a pathway to GAINING in a personal way that is self empowering.

Happycheeks, personal growth is not in a GRADE that is given in SCHOOL or COLLEGE. Personal growth is not ACHIEVED at graduation from HIGH SCHOOL or even being the POPULAR KID in high school. If you DONT get a job, what does that mean? Does it mean your not pretty enough? or that your stupid? or that your simply not worthy enough? No, what it means is that you have YET to learn the SKILLS you need to know how to INTERVIEW CORRECTLY, DRESS YOURSELF AND GROOM YOURSELF IN A WAY THAT EXHIBITS not just CONFORMATY, but personal pride and WILLINGNESS to present your personal pride effectively that tells a perspective employer that you ARE A GOOD CHOICE. Yes, we ALL have to learn to COMPROMISE to get what we want to a certain extent and that is ANOTHER SKILL TO LEARN.

Happycheeks, your personal goal has to start with learning how to gain self respect.
Accept the fact that at 19 years old you are NOT going to know WHAT your really going to DO and BE for the rest of your life. Most people don't figure that out until they are much older and often they learn about what they truely want to be and CAN be while they are getting an education, exposing themselves to different kinds of Jobs and environments along the way AND making a decision that as they are working at these different kinds of jobs and are learning THEY ARE SLOWLY learning about how different kinds of businesses, people, and environments thrive and are established.

If you make a conscious decision that what your going to do is learn your way through life and let yourself gather information and PERSONAL SKILLS you will be on a path of SELF EMPOWERMENT. You cannot expect yourself to KNOW IT ALL at the mere AGE OF 19. At 19, your only just beginning and all the things your questioning are OBSERVATIONS that you don't quite UNDERSTAND. But Happycheeks, it is ok to wonder about other people and yourself ALL PEOPLE DO THAT ALL THEIR LIVES. It doesn't mean that because you have these quesitions your UNWORTHY OR USELESS. What it does mean is that if certain things BOTHER you, that is pretty normal, HEY JUST LOOK AROUND PC. Yes, the world is full of people that lack respect for others and act inappropriately and WILL challenge you, ALONG WITH EVERYONE IN THEIR PATH. It is not just YOU that is challenged IT IS EVERYONE. What you have to learn is to KNOW that it is there, will be there all your life, is a part of HUMANITY and what you have to learn is that YOU DON'T HAVE TO ALLOW IT TO CONSTANTLY CAUSE YOU TO QUESTION YOURSELF. Accept the fact that all your life your going to come across people that send you messages of disapproval, disrespect, and even personal threats, that is going to be a given, it is simply there for all of us, learn from everyone you meet, accept the fact that you will encounter things that are not fair, should not take place and are going to challenge you, but the fact that your challenged by others doesn't mean your worthless, it simply means your living and learning for the rest of your life.

Learning how to NOT allow others to control YOUR emotions and PERSONAL SENSE OF VALUE is a SKILL YOU HAVE TO "LEARN" all your life. We are not BORN with this SKILL, often our parents FAIL in teaching us this SKILL, as well as we can be reminded by others that we have YET to develope this SKILL, but it doesnt mean WE CANNOT LEARN "HOW TO DEVELOPE THIS SKILL" ON OUR OWN BY BEING WILLING TO LEARN.

Your not a failure in anyway HAPPYCHEEKS, you simply have some LEARNING to do.
And even though I am in my early 50's, I STILL HAVE SOME LEARNING TO DO AS WELL.

I know this is a long post Happycheeks, but it is your birthday and you have been down lately. I don't want you to feel like your the only person that has these deep questions or that your a failure because you don't seem to have all the answers. So I spent time here, reaching out to you to do my best to give you permission to learn how to love yourself, and accept that you just have to keep learning. Your not alone, we all have to keep learning.

Open Eyes