I thank those who posted today. What you say about how someone like me gets looked at when I go for help shows a lot of insight. You understand how the system is set up to work and I believe that you do understand that I am in need.

Those of you who live in highly progressed countries, outside of the United States, might not quite realize how backward the U.S.A. is in some respects. I know that very rich people (and even some not so rich people) in Canada sometimes will go and cross their southern border just to get to some of the very fine medical treatment that is available in the United States. I had a cousin in England who used to cross "the pond" in order to get medical treatment here that she could not get in the U.K. I understand about the "rationing" that goes on in places like the UK and Ireland. Australia, I'm not so familiar with. What I've read is that Australia does rank high in quality of care on a number of fronts. (I'm sure it has it's problems. I read that delivery of services to aboriginal peoples is not so great, as is the case here in the U.S. I read that psych services, Down Under, are not keeping up with demand.)

So I appreciate that none of you are living in Utopia.

At the same time, you may not quite grasp how the best of the best in care goes on right next to care that is deplorable here in the USA. I am glad Merlin that you "would definitely consider" accessing a PHP, or other "intensive out-patient programs" again, if you relapsed.

I was told yesterday that there is no PHP program anymore. As far as intensive out-patient programs go, there isn't much of that. I got put on a waiting list to get a therapist. The social worker told me I can expect to be on the list for 8 months, before they will have an opening. Since October, I've had virtually no care at all. One clinic discharged me to another clinic. The second clinic keeps canceling my intake appointment and pushing it further into the future. ("Come in next month . . . no the month after that . . . no the month after that.")

Maybe I am going out on a limb, but I believe that no one in a modern industrialized country faces the level of complete disorganization of mental health services that Americans in the poorer of the 50 states face.

I will admit that, if I needed my appendix taken out tomorrow , I would get excellent care. If complications set in from that, my country would literally spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on me without blinking . . . millions even, maybe. I'll bet I could get open heart surgery next week, if it seemed what was best for me. America absolutely excels at certain things. What goes on in my country is bound to confuse those who live elsewhere in the modern countries of the world.

I understand that, for me, recovery is not going to mean feeling happy. I have been acclimated to recurrent major depression for a very long time. I don't expect that to change. I expect that I have a chronic problem that is not going to get cured, but, rather, needs for me to "manage" it. I prefer to be as self-directed as possible. When I had a good income, because most of my life I did, I got the psychiatric and therapeutic help I needed. Either I had insurance, or I paid out of pocket for whatever was appropriate to have in place.

The hospital was terrible and being there was not bringing me closer to better out-patient care, which the admitting doctor hoped would be the case. I left there in despair.

My mind is all wound up now. I guess one might expect that anyone who can type up these coherent sentences can't be all that much in crisis. Maybe I'm whining about nothing. Maybe I'm a total fraud.

Maybe this bad spell will pass, and I'll be okay for awhile, like usually happens.

I went into the hospital because I was in crisis - just as real as what many go into the hospital for. This place doesn't take you in just for being in a funk. Were a lot of people in there way sicker than I am? Yes, on my ward, all were extremely low functioning. It was truly pitiable.

I will go make my bed and see if doing one thing doesn't lead to doing another. That's how I have gotten better in the past. That's how most people get through their lives . . . doing something that needs doing and then moving on to doing something else. That's how I have gotten through before. The last time I went inpatient to this place was over 7 years ago. That led to me attending getting some very good out-patient care. It didn't work out that way this time. At least, now, I won't waste time debating between going in or not going in. It was dreadful and I would not go back there.