Suicide is always simmering on a burner somewhere in the back of my mind. I've had myself admitted to the hospital 2.5 times when my emotions and feelings got so overwhelming I actually tried to act on it.

Notice I said I HAD MYSELF ADMITTED ... The reason why is because that decision is ours and ours alone. No one can save us from it if that is what we ultimately decide to do.

I believe that it became such an ingrained coping mechanism for me (along with my self-injury, an eating disorder, and some other things) that it will probably always be there like an insurance policy .. a way out so to speak for when the emotional and physical pain finally do become way too much to bear. Heck, I even find myself thinking about it here, yonder and there to this very day.

With that being said, my abusers messed me up in a lot of ways, and when I first entered therapy back in 1993 (at 33.5 years of age), I never thought I'd be happy or laugh or enjoy anything in life ever again. It took several years for that first inkling of joy to come back, but it did, and now I am so glad I didn't actually follow through with it. So was my therapist, and we talked openly about it often. Things aren't always good now, but they're a far sight better looking than they were way back when. Trust me on this (if you can).

Do me a favor, put it on a back burner ... It's not going anywhere ... Then discuss it with your therapist. Most of all, give yourself time, please? Time truly does help to lesson the intensity of whatever it is we're going through at the moment. Please don't solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution when there are so many other options out there, okay?

Sincerely and With A Heartfelt Hug,
BrokenCloud