sdcg76 - I notice that some of the responses here seem less than supportive...

Each person here in PC comes from different backgrounds and experiences and those will color our responses.

I can sense that you are not trying to mess up your son's life and you are trying to find ways to help him and yourself. When we suffer from our own demons, it is very common to try to assign the blame elsewhere and it isn't unusual to have thoughts of wanting to throw someone else under a bus just to make the pain stop.

Very, very honestly, I wanted to throw my first-born down the stairs during his first month of life. Awful, isn't it? And I have continued to have thoughts similar to that over many years as his MH issues and mine created a lot of chaos in life.

Hang in there and keep searching for answers and help. The journey may be long and hard, but there is always HOPE.