Today is the day my oldest (I have 3 brothers)brother's wife is having his memorial service. He passed away the day before Thanksgiving last yr from internal bleeding which they couldn't find!! (How the hell can you NOT find out where someone is bleeding from?? My mother passed away 3 yrs ago to the same thing!!) and she said since none of us (rest of the family) had the money to fly out to Long Beach, CA, that she will had it done in Jan.
Still none of my family was able to make it. I for one even if I had the money to go, cant go on any planes, buses or trains with my oxygen. I can get passed the Security to the gate, but once at the gate I have to give up my oxygen to someone. What is the use of even trying to get on the planes? Some airlines will let me use "their" oxygen, but once I land, I have to find a place that rents oxygen and hope they are open and take my INS.
It tears me up not being able to go. I can get help to fly out but because of the bull that public transportation now has I cant go!
In Oct last yr I was fighting for my life in the hospital. I had "died" 2 times. Once in the ER another time after surgery. I had 2 surgeries withing 8 hours apart due to an infection in my jaw bone that has spread to my lungs and brain. The only thing that kept me going was that I was going to be a grand mother for the first time in Nov. Well 5 days after I was admitted my daughter went into labor. Her daughter was born Oct 20, weighing just a little over 5 pounds.She lives 2 states away.
I was in the hospital for almost a month. I still feel they let me go too soon. I wasn't able to eat anything and still have trouble eating. I can't open my mouth much, just enough for a straw to get in. I'm still swollen in my face and I'm always hungry now since I can't really eat. I even have trouble trying to take any pills.
I have yet been able to met my grand daughter. suxs.
Been off my medicine for over 3 weeks now as I don't have the money to get them. I'm taking cymbalta for my bi-polar and seroquel to help with "voices". These are the 2 medicine I don't have the money to get till the 1st of Feb. I'm home alone all the time now since my husband has to work. Except for my 8 dogs and sometimes my aunt. I moved here to this state 3 yrs ago to care for my aunt, now my health is going down hill very fast, left my daughter, son and all my friends back in SC. I'm so alone I so hate my life more since I moved here. We live with my aunt so we can help her but who the hell can help me when I need it??
Most the time my aunt is out with her church friends. I'm so tired of her every Sat night asking if I am going to church! I am not Southern Baptist, I am Catholic.
I can't shower unless my husband is home because I can't get into the tub on my own, I won't ask my aunt to help me as she is too weak and legally blind. I have fallen so many times trying to get in or out on my own. Plus the bathroom is too small to have both us "BIG" ladies in there at the same time. I go days, sometimes weeks with a shower because he is either too tired to help me or don't feel good to help me. At lease I can sit on the toilet reach to the sink and wash up some. I end up having water all over the floor, but oh well, I HAVE TO WASH!!!! Right now I'm working on 2 months since I had a shower, my hair stinks so bad and itches from my skin being so dried out. I tried those dry shampoos, they don't work on my hair.
My life so suxs. I sit in my bedroom 24/7 all year long either watching TV which I really don't like to do much of. Or I'm on my PC or sleeping. I don't have the money to get any of my crafting materials, even if I did, my hands don't want to work half the time.
I don't eat dinner till he gets home which is about 9pm and it is usually 10 or 11pm before I am able to eat. In the mornings I ask him to make me something to eat and he is on the computer playing D2 and tell me just a min, the min turns to an hour and by then it's time for him to get ready for work. Forget about me having lunch. I'm lucky if I can stand long enough to make a sandwich of PB&J. Being a insulin depended I have to have an eating schedule, but I don't.
It's getting to the point again of having those dang suicidal thoughts again. I'm so sick and tired of fighting to stay alive day in and day out since I was 21. I'm 52 now. I don't have any support from anyone except my daughter and sometimes my husband. Plus having DID don't help. I've been getting blackouts again and it scares the hell out of me as one of my alts is very violent and if she comes out, all hell will break lose. She has been with me since I was about 6 yrs old. Being without meds, nothing to drink,as in water, soda, tea, (I don't drink beer or the hard stuff since my bday back in 95.) and no cigs is NOT a good thing for me right now. My husband does get me some ice water and ice in another glass before he leaves for work, but come the afternoon, its gone. Time to go, getting chest pains again. Thanks for letting me vent.