yesterday i was talking to my friend and she's trying to find ways for me to stay safe, i did try and listen to her but i feel awful because i know i'm going to do something.

the crisis team called me this morning on a blocked number so i answered, but i said i was okay, gave one word answers, couldn't give away how much i am struggling.

my cousins are both home today which means they are going to try and get me out of the house doing something active, which i can't face right now.

the crisis team are going to get T to call me tomorrow cuz i said i didn't know when my appt with her was. i don't want to talk to her cuz she'll know that i'm not okay.

maybe i should just get it over with.. do it today. all thats stopping me is that i'm terrified i will screw it up again, and i can't deal with everything that happens after.

i don't know what to do. i am so overwhelmed.

i know that i should either talk to my friend or the crisis team.. but i don't want to worry my friend because i don't think i'll be able to stay safe and the crisis team will just make me go back to hospital which i can't take.

so i guess thats why i'm posting on here.. the more i look at it the more i think it's the best option, the only option.