Happycheeks, I'm sorry if you have been asked this before - but I think it's a really important question: Would you be willing to seek professional help, ie, a therapist?

In my humble opinion, it really sounds as if you might benefit from therapy. Suicidal thoughts are to be taken seriously, but oftentimes they are just thoughts. You have to look deep inside yourself and ask whether these are thoughts, or whether they are thoughts with a plan AND intent to go through with it. Only you know this.

I hope you will keep posting here when you feel the need to get things out, or to talk to others...but I also hope you will consider seeing a professional. This website is a support site, but it will likely not provide any long-term help that a therapist can provide.