*TRIGGER Graphic about purging*

I haven't purged in a few years, but I've been steadily gaining weight for the past two years. Food is comforting and sometimes I feel like it's the only thing keeping me from self injury and from going crazy with questioning reality and memories and hallucinations. The last few days I have been dieting and completely obsessing about food and tonight I decided to blow it. I've been trying to keep it at around 1000 calories a day. For dinner I probably ate double that. I could use the excuse that the weather is miserable out and driving related anxiety kept me from grocery shopping and getting healthy food options, and yes those things are true, but I think I was having one of those self sabatoging breakdowns. We moved a few months ago, and the drain in our shower is really slow and easily blocked up, but that's the only place I knew I could purge without my husband knowing, so I started purging into a cup I use to help bathe my son, then sifted it through my hands to make sure I could get it all down the drain. Then just as I was gearing up for round two, my husband comes in and asks if he can join me. My mind is screaming no, so what does my mouth say, yes! As he got in I was trying to rinse out my mouth so he wouldn't smell it on my breath. He kept trying to talk to me and I'm trying not to breathe forcefully and my throat was killing me from the purging. Thankfully, I had an excuse to stay in longer than him and since we were planning on watching a movie tonight, I had him go set it up. Went back to purging, I still want to get more out, but I know he would've started getting suspicious at how long I was taking. Repeated process to keep drain unclogged (really need to get some drain cleaner just to keep things okay). I feel so out of shape when it comes to purging, like I could barely get enough out and it use to take so much more to get my throat sore. I can't sleep. Maybe I should go run on the treadmill. My stomach is all knotted though and pms has hit so I'm having really bad cramps (which just made purging harder). I feel so full. I just want it all out. So yeah, got out of shower, tried not to make a big deal out of brushing my teeth. Drank some water. Felt like a smoker trying to get my breath fresh and hide the smell. I know I should feel guilty about purging... but I don't. I feel guilty about hiding it from my husband. I'm going to try and get him to take me grocery shopping tomorrow. Maybe if I fill the house full of diet food and healthy stuff, it will be easier. I just want to lose some weight (I am overweight, but would be considered in the normal range bmi wise if I dropped about 10-15lbs). I know if I successfully start losing weight I won't stop there, but I don't care right now. And I'm going nuts laying here, must go check scale. Hopefully tonight didn't totally blow my last few days of hard work. It's so hard to diet and not go back to bulimic or anorexic, but dies that mean I shouldn't diet. Maybe I shouldn't, but I need to lose this weight. It's all I can think about right now. Gah, I feel so broken.