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PurpleFlyingMonkeys · Jan 22, 2012, 08:06 AM

Thanks for all of the replies

. I've been working on a list of things to bring to the doctor. I've been keeping a journal since I had the seizure in August of everything I've been dealing with. I'm not as organized journaling so it's gonna be a bit difficult to read and relate over to him

but it's better than nothing. I figure I'll go at it with a highlighter and get all the main points that need to be discussed. I have about 20 minutes with him and wont be able to get back in for 3 months again.

Last night was pretty difficult. Woke up at 1am to use the restroom. When I got back into bed my stomach started hurting and I started feeling nauseated. Within a minute of laying down I went from zombie still 1/2 sleeping mode to full blown panic attack

. Tried to calm myself down and it didn't work. Started pouring sweat (had the ac on so it was cold) and went for my last 5mg Valium (which was broken in 1/2, I only take 1/2 to make them last longer in the long run). The valium was not even 2 feet from the bed and within 5 seconds of standing everything started to get black. This made things worse

. The room was spinning, I felt like I was on a merry go round and wasn't able to see. I threw myself onto the bed as sometimes when I feel this way I will faint or the one seizure so I just threw myself onto the bed so I didn't fall. I had the valium but nothing to drink with it. I started to sit up but just opening my eyes and everything was still spinning. Things were getting dark even when I was laying down. So I had to wake my boyfriend up and he ran into the kitchen and got me some water. He's so helpful

I took the valium and it took about 5 minutes and the dizziness and everything went away. I went back to sleep.

I think I know where it came from . All I'm trying to do right now is connect the dots. I couldn't understand at first why I had the panic attack but then I remembered

. I have a 3 year old. Last night her cousins stayed the night at our house and small things they were doing were reminding me of unpleasant childhood days and they were exposing my child to this

even though it wasn't anything extreme or anything and they were just being kids and such it really set me off last night and it took all I had to keep myself together. I think that's why I woke up and had the panic attack.

I see the doc on Wednesday, it's been a long wait

. I wish he had some kind of psychological training to help sort everything out with me. Like.. I get stomach pain about 5 days out of every week. I thought it was from dairy and I've cut that out but the pain is still there, just not as much. Still 5 days out of the week instead of non stop every day. It could be a physical issue but than I have other pains... Pains in other areas that have never been able to be explained by physical doctors. And this pain I get in my rib cage every now and than. It feels like someone hit me really hard, when I touch my rib it feels like it's bruised but when I pull my shirt up, nothing is there and I didn't get hit or anything that I can remember when this happens. It happens somewhat frequently but not all the time. I also sleep walk and have woken up with cuts all over my legs and my feet black from walking barefoot outside in the rain and such. That happened last year.

I am noticing my triggers more and more and it really seems like everything is a trigger for me. I don't know why but I wont even realize it's happening until it's over and I have time to look back and reflect. It's all a huge mess and I don't think I will get it figured out unless I get a t

. But right now I'm down to 18 hours a week at work so I can't even afford the t that I was gonna find so hopefully I will find another soon....

Thank you for your response Amanda, I considered all the reasons you gave before. Some of them very well can be what was happening which is why I wanted ideas from others, see if they thought the same as I did on what it was. It's been happening a lot lately.

Another time that I JUST remembered about last night too... I frequently wake up late at night and it was a few minutes after I fell asleep last night I was startled awake. Not sure why but something jolted me awake. I opened my eyes and looked around and was the most confused I had ever been in my life. Didn't know who what or where I was. Didn't know what anything was for that matter. I just looked around and nothing at all made sense. It freaked me out until I rolled over. Looked at my boyfriend for a minute and was still confused but when I reached out to touch him, to see what he was

, everything clicked back. I remembered everything but the memory went in and out for a second. I'm used to waking up late and have no trouble going back to sleep once I'm calm to I went right back to sleep. Guess that;s why I didn't remember until just now.

Blossom, thank you so much for your reply. You could be right about it being a "tactile" thing, perhaps it was a "tactile hallucination" as I do have those from time to time when my schizophrenia is getting worse and it appears it has been lately... But your response was very helpful and not at all confusing.

Leaflace, thank you for your response, I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with your boyfriend. I've been struggling with that more lately as well. I fight through it though, the way I look at it, I love him, I know it's all me and not him, so I don't want him to feel like it's him. So I kind of create a wall when he's here I put up that wall and keep everything in that needs to be kept in and everything out that needs to be out. I try to force all the bad feelings away and for the most part I can. But I still have to fight it all the time. I wish it didn't seem like it was him that caused the feelings but I know it would if I let him see the feelings and I don't want that. So I block them. It has been getting harder to do so in the last 6 months though. I hope you can work this out with yourself so you can have a more comfortable relationship

Anderson, thank you as well for your response, it's always wonderful hearing you are not alone, perhaps that was the only reason for me posting this... I had questions but generally I'm looking to make sure I'm not alone in this. I feel like I'm going mad, like at any given moment I will lose all my memories and never regain them. I'm fearful that I will go into panic mode and never get out, I will hit a schizophrenic phase and never be set free of the dilusions. When you hear your not alone, you know there has to be a way out somehow. It gives you hope so thank you!

Last night was difficult, I really wish this would just go away. I'm safe now, I have a chance to be happy, but my past is keeping happiness from me still, does it ever end?