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Thank you roadrunner and farmergirl.
My brother was there last night and when I tried to put his daughter in time out she refused so I called him in the room and told him. I went to handle my daughter and talk to her and heard his daughter throwing a fit blaming my child. That's what made me kind of snap even more so. She kept saying "She did it! I didn't do nothing!" so I ran in there and said "You were the one taking the pictures! You are just as responsible as her, you did it too. You are the oldest, you should be telling us when this happens not helping them do it!!!" I yelled a little but genuinely held back as much as I possibly could. Her dad kept her in time out for a little while. I really tried to keep my calm but it just brought back so much... Reminded me so much of what I was trying to protect her from. I shouldn't have blamed the 5 year old and I knew that so when I went back in I explained much more calmly why she was in trouble.
I try so hard to be the protector for her, something I never had. I try so hard it makes me so tired. I'm always so tired from worrying about her it leaves me with no patience or anything left over really. I know it's not healthy but with my past, I don't know how else to be. With this I feel like I failed at the only good parenting skill I had.
I know it wasn't their fault, any of them. They don't know. But just because of their ignorance (and I know it's not a polite term but it's the most accurate term for this) I don't see why my child should have to have this on her conscience if she remembered it. I'm already a hawk watching her, now I guess I have to be everywhere at once, but I can't let her have a disfunctional childhood like mine, I can't.
I don't know what else to do. Do I just move on since we had the talk or.. I don't know... Battling these triggers while I try to keep my head on straight is no easy task...
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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