Well, I guess even irrational thoughts are your thoughts. But they may lead to doing things that you'd regret, that you otherwise wouldn't do, and that's what you'd hopefully be able to avoid.

I think I am safe... I have retardedly developed sense of self-preservation... so I am sorta counting on that one. Always helped before.

What you're describing is sounding a little more serious than just being existentialist. Time for some Rescue Remedy, maybe? I don't know what to suggest - getting your spark back isn't always a matter of just wanting it and trying for it, I'm sure you've seen that (or otherwise you'd already have it back, right?)

I am using my bach essences.... but to this point I am rather numb and meh.... I honestly don't know where will to live comes from...

AniManiac-good post-100% agree-yes our thoughts are ours, but they can be so different/influenced by depression. And some of us die waiting for things to change, or sparks to come back or......

I am not passively waiting. I am distracting (by studying for what may or may not be useful for my future.....). So I am not just sitting and waiting for a miracle. However at this state of mind.... I guess I am bit slown down. It's hard to put things in perspective. I am trying to though.... but with being always bit on the pessimist and existentialist site....... it is hard. What if this is it and believing in some higher sense is a delusion? what if all seeking of something is mere distraction to pass the days between being born and death?

Venus-keep in touch as you go through this time.....I know you are that "rugged individual" but there are times that evan the strongest need help. It doesn't take away from your individuality or who you are. The funny thing is.(geting help, sometimes taking meds)....it makes you stronger.

Thing is.... how others can help me? I need to find it in myself. I either will, which I hope I will.... or I will not... I don't even know how such "asking for help" would look like, to be honest.