Hi everyone,

As many of you know, I have been doing quite a bit better. It has been confusing at times, though. I guess I have been so used to feeling depressed or apathetic, that now whenever I feel something different like irritability, racing thoughts, motivation...I worry that I am heading for a hypomanic or manic episode.

You see, it has been a long time since I have felt genuine "happiness"...more than 3 years, I think, that I don't know what it feels like. So these new feelings confuse me. These "good days"...I want to enjoy them, but there is that lingering that they will not last. That I will either become depressed again, or go over the edge into mania.

There are some times too, when I think I am hypomanic. There is one symptom...that I am embarassed to describe...but it is so unlike my "normal" self that I can't help but wonder if I am hypomanic.

I want so much to believe that I am experiencing happiness, or even something OTHER THAN depression or apathy...and what if I am? But I also don't want to ignore the possibility of hypomania...because I have experienced how bad it can become when it moves into full-blown mania.

I don't want to give up my current dosage of meds, I DON'T want to be depressed again!