It's been about 16 months since I've cut myself, but the last three times I did, I felt next to nothing. Prior to that outbreak of harming, I was extremely close to two years without self-harm. My reasons? The best I can describe it: I was feeling extremely empty, there was complete lack of emotion for several months. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. I was... nothing. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to know I was still alive, still human, still capable of feeling. Those three attacks were the worst of my entire life. I had gone so long without cutting. That was the longest I've ever gone without harming myself. And it was indescribable to not be able to feel anything, not even pain.

Although in the periods that I go without self-harming, I do get urges, but I usually satisfy the urges with piercings, stretching my ear lobes, and tattoos. I equate those to being different from self-harm, and don't factor in that pain when calculating my "sobriety" from cutting myself. Maybe it's because someone else is inflicting the pain upon my body. Or maybe because I see it as a beautification process as opposed to a mutilation process. I'd like to know what other people's thoughts are on the process of body modification via piercings/tattoos--whether or not it's self-mutilation.

What I hate most about it is the scars. I only cut on my arms a few times(early teen years), before realizing I didn't want everyone to ask me questions about how I got those nasty gashes. My legs are covered with scars, though. I've even cut on my stomach and breasts. Anywhere that is usually covered by my clothing. The scars on my arms are now covered by tattoos. The scars on my breasts now just look like weird stretch marks (ugh, I don't know what possessed me to do THAT one). I also hate that I'm afraid to be involved in a relationship now, because I know that intimacy will have to become a factor at some point, and I find it extremely difficult to talk about my self-harm to those that don't know what it's like. I have opened up about it to a few close friends, but a couple of those have self-harm issues themselves...

As for what keeps me self-harming? The rush. The intense release of endorphins. I would self-harm in my teen years before I discovered drugs. Once I discovered drugs, I cut back (no pun intended) substantially on my self-harm. When I pushed away my drug addiction, I went back to cutting. I pushed away my cutting, I went back to drugs. It was a vicious cycle of trying to get high in any way possible. I've only been a few months sober from drugs, but it's a start! And I haven't cut during that period, although I did just get a new tattoo a couple weeks ago... We shall see what the future brings.