So I haven't really been myself lately. Things have been different, I have been different.

I'm not sure what my mood is. I'm not depressed, I'm not manic, and I certainly am not in normal mode, what else is there?

I find myself questioning everything lately, my relationships, the people I know. I feel like no one is showing all their cards, I'm very on guard. Looking for any discrepancies. I feel a disconnect with myself, everything I thought I knew, what am I? It's driving me crazy, driving my bf crazy. I'm being silent and then burst and silent again. I tried talking to myself about how to disconnect from things, trying to convince myself that that is the only true way to protect myself. When I look at other people in stores or wherever, all I can see is that they all have dark secrets, no one is pure. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

All I have worked towards for many years is to have a pure, wholesome life. I shut out the true nature of humans and replace it with my own fantasy of what I want people to be. Pure, loyal, honest, just goodness. I know it's not reality, and forcing myself to look at it leaves me feeling empty, hurt, and unsure. How am I supposed to live with this. It's breaking my very soul. Is the only way out to not have any human interaction? I can't do that.

I don't know the real point of this post, I suppose to see if others identify with this. Maybe some insight, or advise. I want to get past this stuff, but not by sacrificing my own compasses.

Sorry if this doesn't make a ton of sense, I thought I probably shouldn't post this at all, but it's been eating at me for weeks. I feel like I am loosing my world and being forced to live in one that I would rather not enter. Nothing specific has happened, it's just the knowing. I've given a mask to the world that I live in, but the mask is slipping.