Hey MCL,

I first of all wanted to say that you do put out positive energy, insight, and all kinds of other good stuff on this board. I'm sorry that you feel as if you're not being very well heard here. I think I have probably contributed to that feeling, and I'll apologize in advance if what I'm about to say does that again.

I have somewhat of the opposite strategy as you with respect to my traumatic background, in that I express frustration with still having periods of time where flashbacks can distress me (but never derail me from what I need to do) and I have part of a self concept where I see myself as unfixably broken. Even so, I still want the people around me to see my strengths and my positive ability to cope. I don't want people to pathologize me or reaffirm in any way that what I have been through is hard. I have only experienced this pathologized attitude from a friend, and trying to communicate about it with her was a disaster.

If my T had said pathologizing things, I would have been devastated. As the person that I would assume has had a much greater opportunity to really SEE me than a friend, that would have really hurt. Because the biggest change in my understanding of myself has been that while I can still easily trot out all my flaws and difficulties, I see myself as the accomplished and fundamentally good person that I am and the potential I have to carry my strengths forward and become better. Anybody who can't see me as a person of strengths doesn't belong in my life.

Here's the issue, I think. When misunderstandings happen, inside or outside of T, in any relationship (some people here call them ruptures), of course you talk about it, as you have. What if the talk is unsuccessful? Do you go back and try again? How many times? How much energy do you put towards it before you realize that this is one of those relationships that you have to let go?

At different points in my life, I've either been too quick to let go, or too stubborn to let go. This past summer, my H and I were able to work through a conflict about a misunderstanding that had been going on for about five years-- with a negative effect, off and on, in our marriage. For five years, we'd been trying to talk about it, trying to hear each other unsuccessfully, and being angry about the other's inability to hear and understand. It was probably among the most beautiful moments of my life when one evening something shifted and we were able to resolve it. It healed something inside me that was definitely linked to my past. It can be worth it to keep trying to work through it, to keep trying to explain to the other person what you need (and don't need from them).

But then sometimes it can't. Only you can decide whether you want to expend more energy to get past that place of what can feel like awfulness to see if you can break through to the other side. For me this can feel like those times when I do some long distance swimming: there's a point at which I feel like I have to stop, right here, right now, my heart and lungs can't take any more. But if I can keep going, I get that second wind and I feel like I can swim forever.

Best, Anne