I'm sorry you've been hurting for so long. I know how hard every day can be when you're at that point.

Now, first I want to apologize to any moderators...if this post is out of line, let me know...but your mention of God tells me that this is something that speaks to you, so here goes...

It's been my experience that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. But there also comes a point where He wants us to give it to Him to handle. It is not meant for us to handle these things on our own.

This has never been so more profoundly true for me than during a hospitalization I had in 2004. I had been very ill for a few years and my children were taken by the State. It's a really long story, but suffice to say we were in a witch hunt of sorts, and they were doing everything they could to keep us from reunification. At one point they moved toward petitioning for permanent foster adoption. This sent me spiraling into a bad dissociation and into the hospital (I had been stable and working and doing very well...like I said...long story). During that hospitalization, I had a profound experience. I had finally broken through the dissociation and was doubled over in tears, feeling like my heart was literally breaking. I then went on my knees in prayer, and asked for some way to know that things were going to be okay. I couldn't handle it anymore. In that moment, I felt a wash of peace come over my body. I stopped crying almost instantly and knew then that things would work out. I had to give up control and let Him handle things. I had done all I could do with letters and lawyers and doctors and such. I had to let Him work through them. Six months later my children were finally returned to me and we have been together since.

I don't know where your journey has taken you or how much of this you are trying to do on your own. But it may be time to give it up to Him to handle. Let Him work through the doctors and try to find strength through Him.

Certainly, I'm not saying to do nothing...I guess I'm just saying to not try to do it alone and try to let go of things that are really out of your control. There are some practical things you can do.

Can you get out of the house at all? Even just to go hang out at a coffee shop or something? It would give you a reason to get dressed, do your hair, etc. Get you out interacting with people. Sometimes if I'm feeling really isolated, I'll take my laptop and go hang out at a coffee shop. Even if I could accomplish the same thing on my computer at home, it's good to have a reason to get out of the house. Sometimes I have to force myself out the door, but I'm usually glad I did.

Coming here has been very helpful too. It helps me to get out of my own head sometimes. I've made some good friendships here as well.

Can you let your husband and kids know that you're feeling lonely? Maybe set up a movie night or something? Nothing too involved that would require a lot of energy, but spending some time together on a regular basis could help.

And like I said...look at where you may need to let go of some things. If you tend to pray, then pray for guidance. And don't give up if it doesn't come right away.

Sending hugs your way...