Dragonfly, Venus, Beebusy, Morethingswrong, thank you for taking the time to read and reply. Lots to digest. This isn't the first time I've gone through these thoughts or feelings.

I have a long history of abuse and trauma. I have dealt with it a lot, tried to make as much peace out of it as I can, have forgiven and tried to let go. I'm sure I set this rosey colored world up for my viewing as a way to survive. I feel at peace and happy and content when I am in it. When it starts to crumble I feel scared, sad and lost.

No no one is all good or all bad. But I feel like I have seen enough bad, I'm tired of looking at it. So I shift my gaze to the good, and and put blinders on to the bad. Not that I don't know it exists, but that I will not give it any attention. Lately I have been giving the bad focus. I mean is it really ok to live in a rosey colored world to get by, too feel good.

I don't really feel myself as being a really black and white thinker. I know there is a lot of grey area, I just don't now what to do with the grey. And you know , others can sometimes see things that you can't see yourself. I'll give some serious though to the black and white thinking. And yes there is some paranoia, and sadness. I don't think this is a mood thing, more just a coping skill. Also i was raised in a very "religious" home, although I am not religious, I am sure this has it's lasting effects. Spiritually I feel pretty alone sometimes. I'm sure we all do, especially when there is no distinct religion being followed. My bf says he never thinks about things like spirituality, so I don't find any connection there in talking to him about these things.

So I think I am not ready to move out of this safety zone yet. I'm glad I am not alone in this type of thinking, I'm sure it's pretty commonplace. Just no one to talk about this too really and I need to get out of my own head a bit.

Is it really that bad to live with our masks of the world? I would think we all do it to some extent? There is bound to be some blips here and there, but if it's what makes you feel happy, content and at peace, should that be what matters? Or is this a very unhealthy attitude? I'd much prefer to return to my rosey world than deal with the rest.