(((Anika)))

I can't relate very well to some of what you describe (sorry!) but I have occasionally contemplated the question of whether people are fundamentally good or evil (to put it in black and white terms).

I agree that most are shades of grey - but I prefer to believe that most people are inherently good. For me, it's not rose-colored glasses, but a mindset about how to interact with other people, and I don't see anything wrong with trying to see the good in others.

Why be so optimistic when I know for a fact that the world is full of jerks? Mostly because it means that I try to approach everyone with compassion, and if anything is lacking in this world, it's compassion. So maybe I can take that attitude and help remedy those ills just a little tiny bit. I assume that others will return that respect for their humanity until they prove otherwise (at which point, I'm not at all nice...) I'm not remotely religious, but I find great comfort and wisdom in the teachings of the Dalai Lama and really admire the Buddhist approach to life. Maybe love isn't all we need, but it's a great first step!

I admittedly don't pay attention to the shades of gray very much, so I don't know what to do with that either. I just assume we're all shades of gray rather than looking for any semblance of perfection. I guess that's mostly because I don't think I have a right to judge others, just like I wouldn't want them to judge me. Anyway, I'm not sure how I would treat someone differently if they're light gray versus charcoal gray!

Thinking this way keeps me from being unfair to other people (I'm naturally a bit judgmental. OK more than a bit...) and jumping to conclusions about behaviors that I might not fully understand. It's like the saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes. Nobody knows the troubles I've seen, nobody knows my sorrows - and vice versa, I don't know others' troubles and sorrows. I can only offer compassion.

Anyway, blah blah blah, I ought to be working on writing my dissertation. But whatever else, I admire your courage and openness in talking about these very challenging feelings!