I haven't been on the forums for a long time - I guess I have been focusing on the everyday challenges that we all know so well. With that said, the past few months have been full of learning and self-discoveries.

The Good Stuff

• Coming to terms with the fact that my alcoholic father is not going to change, and realising that I only have the power to deal with my own reaction and emotions.
• Letting go of some huge baggage that had been holding me back for a very long time.
• Slowly getting the work-life balance right (even if it swings out of control every so often)
• Getting a personal trainer to force myself to get fit again.
• Finding an antidepressant that doesn't zonk me out.
• Working with my amazing therapist to find myself once again.

The Less Good Stuff

• Realising that I have depression, and that is probably isn't going to go away any time soon.
• Still having bleak days, despite understanding that it is just my chemicals and not the end of the world.
• Battling to keep stress at bay, and knowing that depression and stress are the ultimate frienemies.

I like to call my depression The Nothing. You know, from The Neverending Story? I call it that because it sweeps across my life and tries to destroy everything. And because it isn't just the sadness that comes, but a total absence of everything. It is the ultimate zen vampire, and I use a huge deal of energy keeping it at bay.

But despite all of this, there is a huge relief in being diagnosed. For many years, I fooled myself into thinking that the bleakness was just part of my personality - something dark that was just there. Now I know that it is just chemicals... something that runs in my family, and something that may still have been here even if life hadn't been so rough.

So I take my medication, and I go to therapy. And everyday, I work to fight for my precious zen. Some days (and weeks) are harder than others, but there are enough good times that I know it will be ok.

The most important thing that I have in my arsenal against The Nothing is hope. It may not be enough to stop the darkness completely, but it's a start.

~ ZenSeeker