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My headache is a bit better now but I'm SO sad. I keep thinking about T. It's SO annoying. Something happened two weeks ago that has been bothering me SO much. I got a message from one of T's receptionist saying that one of my appointments with T in February needed to be cancelled. So I rescheduled for a different day during the same week. When I told T the appointment was cancelled, she said "I wonder what that was about?" Then T said the day I rescheduled that appointment for, she will be out of the office. I told T I would just go cancel the appointment then. So basically, I do not have an appointment at all during that week in February. What bothers me is T doesn't even know why my original appointment was cancelled. I don't understand why she didn't know why the appointment was cancelled. It's her schedule isn't it? Now it just sucks even more that I told her I was attached to her. I hate being attached to her. Some part of me thinks that I'm hogging up T's schedule and that's why the receptionists cancelled my appointment and gave it to someone else. I honestly feel like saying to T and her receptionists that if they don't want me there, they could say it. That's all they have to do and I will go away. The reason why I concluded this is because almost everytime I go and schedule another appointment to see T again, the receptionists will question why I have more than 3 appointments schedule. They have stated to me many times that I'm only allowed to have 3 appointments at a time. T has override that but most of the receptionists still don't get it. I'm just SO sick of all these misunderstandings and the constant questioning about scheduling. Now, I'm just in so much turmoil knowing that even T doesn't know why my appointment with her was cancelled. I'm scared to find out the truth about it. I'm scared that I may be right. I know that I shouldn't assume anything but somehow I just can't help it. I'm crying just thinking about it. Maybe it is better this way so I wouldn't be SO dependent on her. I just hate this attachment S*** so much. It just hurts more being attached now. I've should of not let myself get attached to T. It would have been easier to walk away but now look what I've gone and done. I've let her into my head and heart. I'm so scared that if I bring this up again to T, it may cause a rupture between us. I just don't know what to do. It hurts too much.
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Yang, at some point I started keeping a private journal in which I'd go over what we'd talked about in session, which helped me take a new look at what was said and almost always led me to what I would want to talk about next. It also helped me figure out exactly what was bothering me -- not just what T said that bothered me, but why, and how much of that came from me, and how much from T... all that stuff.
There are SO MANY entries that sound just like what you wrote.
Attachment is really hard. A lot of us had trouble with it from childhood, and so now when we find ourselves becoming attached, we look (without meaning to, necessarily) for all kinds of ways to make it "not real" or "wrong" or "bad". Because it's f***ing scary. Being attached gives someone else a lot of power.
And I totally get having this one thing make you go totally crazy. But I think that a lot of times the things that we believe will cause ruptures in fact end up cementing the therapeutic relationship in the end once they've been worked through.
Remember that the relationship with your T is not like your other relationships. It will of course feel that way because that's how we humans learn how to cope with things... searching for similarities with times that blew up in our faces. But if your T is like my T, the majority of the time, this kind of stuff will actually really help her, and make her very eager to get to the bottom of it.
It seems like your T is kind of in outer space regarding scheduling this appointment... I can't tell any better than you can what she was thinking. But bring it up with her. If you're worried, you can preface it with, "I know this doesn't necessarily mean you don't care about me, but when you didn't know why my appointment was cancelled AND the rescheduled time didn't work either, it made me feel..."
Good therapists see things as being largely symbolic. The more you tell them about how you see things, the more they can attach your reactions with things that are going on in the relationship/transference. For instance, there are rare times when, in the middle of a hard session, I will have the urge to just get up and leave. Now, I tell my T just that: "Right now I really just want to pack up my things and leave." He knows it's not a threat, and that I'm not trying to elicit a reaction from him or create drama. Rather, over time we have both come to realize that this feeling I have indicates that there's a serious misunderstanding going on that neither of us has really identified. That feeling means we stop what we're talking about and start exploring where the disconnect might be.
This kind of a roller coaster, but I can tell you it has the potential to be really fulfilling. Instead of running away (and at times you will really really want to, and you will blame your attachment for your bad feelings again and again), run toward. It's harder work and there will be lots of strife, but for me, it has been worth it, and has made me a much happier person.