Dear Soscared, I too unfortunately suffer from PTSD. I have panic dissorder and hypervigilance, sometimes bordering on (paranoia). I spent years of being completely numb and unable to grieve or feel. I was unable to cry for 10 yrs., yet I carried a loaded gun always handy for use for the same length of time. I couldn't talk about it, but I did and do have nightmares, and when there is any type of emergency I react immediately, because I'm always on gaurd for instance I saved a friends life once, before anyone around had noticed the danger. Also,
when my 2 yr.old at the time had gotten choked on a jelly bean and wasn't breathing everyone around was screaming and I shouted shut up!!! Your scaring him, while I calmly did the hiemlich manuver and the jelly bean few out of him across the room. I was in a highly intense state for days after that occurrance. Other times I've made a fool of myself for reacting to a preceived danger, when there was none. I also have thought I saw my attacker on several occasions...and my mother helped bring me back to reality. I at one time drank heavly for a period of years afterwards. I saw that face and felt the cold steel of his gun on my forehead out of the blue for the longest time but couldn't put it into my head what was happening. My 1st husband divorced me over my being raped and almost murdered.He couldn't handle it and I was transferred by my job to a new city where there I knew no one and there was no emotional support from family, not that I'd talk about it anyway.I managed to keep my job barely, and after 5 yrs. I got sober thru A.A. and was advised to get counseling for my panic disorder, if I wanted to stay sober. That's when I was put on medication and a wonderful counselor who diagnosed me with PTSD. I am still a master of repression she says.
My life was changed forever. I feel like the person I once was died and I do not enjoy the things I used too. I am somewhat of a recluse. But I feel safer that way (in many ways). There are many triggers that can take me back to the time that it happened, as if I'm there and in the midst of that horrible experience.
I aIso have major depression and it's worse sometimes than at others. My counselor told me to pay attention to the months and dates I'm most depressed and troubled, and see if those times coincide with that horrible event. Surely enough it does. So now i can say, oh it's Feb. or whenever I understand now why I'm more depressed and intense. This too shall pass I say. And it does. But the rest of the time it is still there lurking in the shadows. When I get under a lot of stress I cannot handle it as I once did. I was wondering what is meant by dissociation? Being one place but thinking your at another? Or what.Thanks/... You are not alone dear one. Know that, and take comfort from that, if you can.