Even if there is no higher cause or reason for living associated with it... We write our own destinies by what we choose to do & choose not to do. Reality is subjective to the mind, soul, & body that experiences it. There is no measuring meter for our fate.
And if we slip up along the path, the universe doesn't stop to let us know how "bad" or "wrong" we were. We apologise to the people we've hurt even if it takes years for them to listen, we get out of our rut & move along our path, & we move on with our lives regardless of our mistakes.
I agree that it sounds like a mild depression at least, but I also believe that these are questions everyone has to grapple with. And I know that when I was reading these words, I was reminded a lot of myself. Being such a cerebral & stubborn person myself, I know how hard it is to let go of these questions once they enter your mind. But honestly... Sometimes there is a benefit to not thinking. 'Not thinking' doesn't make you ignorant. By proxy, thinking to the point of making yourself miserable makes you ignorant of your own needs.

Take care & feel at peace again.