First off I'm going to say that it's not a bad thing to have rape fantasies or fantasies about being abused. It's also not bad to live them out with a consenting partner, in a safe environment, where both of you know what's going on in the "scene". In fact, it's actually quite common.

(though saying that, please NEVER put yourself in a possition where you can't bail if things go bad. I can not stress how important safe words are, and if you're not in a place where the other person will stop on a dime if you need them too, you shouldn't be in that situation. Also, I don't know how old you are, so also only work within boundaries of your own comfort level and don't push these unless you truly want to and you're with someone who has respect (and ideally love) for you)

The feelings of guilt and fear are also sadly common, and should definitely be brought up with your T (imo). The fact that it's affecting your behavior around others should be worked through, and your fear shame and/or guilt about what you think is hot does too.

That being said, take as much time as you need to get comfortable about this aspect of your sexuality. From personal experience, once you accept it you'll be happier, but if you tell yourself you've accepted it and are just trying to rush the process you won't be. I still have lots of things about my sexuality I'm not comfortable with at all, and I've known about for years!

Good luck in you're journey. PM me if you want to. And give yourself a hug for being a brave and very awesome person. Oh, and have fun!

KLove