I just don't know if I can stand losing someone again unexpectedly. I've seen and felt this great loss. I don't want to see anyone I care about die in front of me anymore. I need people but yet I'm just so afraid to lose them. So I think I may be pushing T away fearing that I may hear of her death one day unexpectedly. I wouldn't know how to live anymore. I'm SO messed up, aren't I? I just can't seem to rid myself of the flashbacks of the shooting, the noises, all that blood........the reoccurring nightmares that constantly remind me of the whole ordeal. It's just too much.