I spent a month or two at the end of last year working through how I would feel if T were to die. (There's a thread about that in here somewhere.) It was a really useful exercise, and I felt much more at peace with her at the end of it.

I said everything I wanted to say, how I love her, how I would miss her, how important she is to me, how grateful I am. And I also told her about the times she had hurt me and I thought she had let me down.

I asked about what would happen. How would I find out? Would I be welcome at the funeral?

I told her what I would do after she died: grieve, wait six months, then start afresh with someone completely different because I know I could never replace her.

And I received her blessing.

It was very healing, perhaps the best thing I've ever done in therapy. And I'm not so scared any more. I know what would happen and I know what I would do.

Good luck!