Quote:
Originally Posted by yang0868
Hi Sannah: I honestly think I'm more on the fearful–avoidant attachment style. One evilness that comes with life is having someone take away one of the few people I had a connection with. I watched as he was shot down like some wild animal. He was meaningless to the people who shot him, but to me, he was my heart and soul. He was someone I looked up to. Someone who I wanted to be proud of me. I wanted to see him grow old. I wanted to show him that I could make something out of my life and now all that has been taken away. How did and could it all happend SO fast? I didn't even get to say goodbye to him. I'm stuck. I just don't know if I can stand losing someone again unexpectedly. I've seen and felt this great loss. I don't want to see anyone I care about die in front of me anymore. I need people but yet I'm just so afraid to lose them. I'm not afraid of rejection. I've been rejectioned before and I get over it. It's losing someone I care about unexpectedly that I don't know if I can handle a blow like that again. So I think I may be pushing T away fearing that I may hear of her death one day unexpectedly. I wouldn't know how to live anymore. I'm SO messed up, aren't I? I just can't seem to rid myself of the flashbacks of the shooting, the noises, all that blood........the reoccurring nightmares that constantly remind me of the whole ordeal. It's just too much.
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This is truly awful and I'm so sorry this happened to you. I am not in any way surprised that you're afraid you will lose the people you love unexpectedly.
What you say about the evil in life is true -- but you won't be any further protected from evil by rejecting the good. To a certain extent it's true that your current grief wouldn't exist had you not been attached to this person, but unfortunately, the cause for your grief was out of your control. The evilness in life. And as you know, things that are out of your control will continue to happen, and some of them will lead to sorrow.
But you won't be able to control that sorrow any better by trying not to get attached in the first place. Think of all the things that would be missing in your life had you not been attached to the person you lost. If you had to do it over again, I would bet you'd still attach yourself to him, even knowing what would happen in the future... knowing that it would be worthwhile.
You always risk losing people, every single day. Some risks, though, are really worth taking. Forming a loving bond with someone who cares for you in a healthy way is one of them, at least from my perspective.
I know you know all of this in your head, but it can be really hard to know in your heart -- boy do I know about that.
