T said something to the sort that I was fearful of abandonment today. This is how she brought up my confession of my attachment to her from the last session. Somehow the abandonment word just caused me to disconnect from her completely. It just made me feel needy. I didn't tell her this though. I didn't want to talk about our relationship at all. It didn't help that I had to check in with the same receptionist three weeks ago that wouldn't give me an appointment to see T on a day that I was available. It just reminded me of what happened. That just added to feeling disconnected from T.

To make it as much as a productive session as I could, despite it hurting like h*ll everytime I looked at her, I told her bits and pieces of what I wrote above. She seemed to understand but that wasn't what I wanted to talk about at all. I couldn't gather the courage to bring up the misunderstanding (at least from my perspective) between us. She doesn't even know I'm hurt from it. I don't even think she realizes that there was a misunderstanding.

I made the hurt worse when I asked a different receptionist as I left the clinic if T was going to be in the office on Feb. 8th, which I had an appointment scheduled and they had called stating "It needs to be cancelled." The receptionist said that T would be in the office but she was completely booked that day. I asked if there was anything available that week and she said "No." I thanked her for checking and she said "It doesn't hurt to ask." I said "Right" but honestly, it hurt SO much more. I asked just to get an idea as to why my appointment "needs to be cancelled" on Feb 8th. I was hoping it would be because T was going to be out of the office but after hearing from T that she had no idea what that was about and from the receptionist that T will be in the office that day but her schedule is booked, I can only conclude that my appointment was given to someone else. I'm hurting so much from this because I feel like I've been lied to. I grew up being surrounded by hypocrites and it frustrates me when I find out that I've been lied to. I know that I have more appointments than what they allow but T herself said it was ok. If it wasn't for work requiring a 3 months in advance notice, I wouldn't schedule more than 3 appointments. If T and the clinic is not going to honor the appointments I have scheduled then why can't they just tell me that so I wouldn't have to constantly work my butt off to tailor my work schedule just to see T. I'm about to give up on all this. The mistrust is getting SO strong that I just want to push T away now. How can I take a risk in embracing this attachment I feel towards T if I've been lied to? Why couldn't she and the clinc just be straight foward with me on this. I don't know how much more I can bear.

A part of me feels bad in that I had originally seen T regarding my headaches and somehow we dwelved into things beyond my headaches. I feel like I'm wasting her time. I know she mainly sees people to help them with chronic pain. I'm very touched and blessed that she would go beyond her usual clientele to help me but am I doing the other clients and T any justice? Is this why my appointment was given away to someone else? Oh, the confusion is killing me.