I believe I have bipolar disorder. I have been diagnosed as such however as 2/3 of those with bipolar have I also am an addict, which makes it even harder to diagnose. I say I believe I'm bipolar because I don't want to believe it and have so many different opinions because of my addictions as well. I am writing today for me but in a way because I believe my family wants me to. They are hurting because of me. They sat me down to watch the an episode of dr. Phil on bipolar disorder and certain things rang true. I could relate to the extreme highs and lows. I have had periods of sobriety and have still experience those episodes. My doctor now who I highly respect believes I am. Anyways some of my episodes include 3months when I was 21 of very little sleep. During that time I spent a lot of money (probably 4000)on clothes, had a lot of random sex, and talked incessantly. When I was 23 I had a two hour period where I thought I was going to get assassinated and just recently a hallucination of a young boy. In between these periods I experience extreme lows and anxiety. I stay in my room and sleep as much as possible. I rarely take baths and I treat myself as horrible as possible. Im so confused because I have both issues and I don't want to be "crazy" so just being a drug addict is ok with me which is a ridiculous thought process I know but that's how I feel. I know I use my bipolar to justify my drug use. Its a crazy cycle I'm stuck in and I feel like I can't get out. I am not suicidal which is awesome for me because I have been in the pAst. I am100 percent sure I am an addict and can't get why I can't get the program because I try my hardest I feel however I know that I have no impulse control which is a sign of bipolar. When I am doing good (for me ) I am just not in reality and I just dont get real life. I obsessed with things that dont matter such as loser guys and I don't have a grasp on what really matters. I'm stuck in a fantasy world. I don't know I'm so confused and I desperately want to stop hurting my family and I want help for me and i am ready to do whatever it takes to get better. I just need to know the first step to take. I at least need to know whether I'm bipolar or not to start the first steps to getting better. I so want help I just chose a non feeling approach because I'm so ashamed and scared but given the chance IM willing to tackle my demons. I've been depresses anxious and sucidal since age 8and the manic episodes began in my early 20's. I am now 27 and lost. I've been on so many different medications since age 14. I feel like I'm on the right Mede right now it's just a struggle to take them and it doesn't make sense when I explain why. I am just so messed up right now and I need help. I feel like Im headed for a train wreck in so many ways. I've been looking for resources to go to but I can't find one that addresses all my issues plus I can't burden my family financially anymore. I dont know what to do so this is sent with a whim and a prayer,