((((JustDontAsk))))
I see that your really stuck on the lying and your value of the truth. That happens to be one of my trouble areas as well. I can totally agree with your sentiment about asking "why" can't people just be honest? I ask that all the time and after living for a long time I am seeing that people DO tend to bend the truth or avoid the truth. When I come across that I am always disappointed and I feel like the other person doesn't respect me enough to just be honest. It bothers me even more when I know the truth and I watch the person continue to lie, it bothers me deeply. In my mind lieing is such a waste and no one gains from lies and eventually the truth does come out. And in my experience when that DOES happen and the other person begins to realize that I DO know the truth, they distance from me. To me that is a double whammy because it makes me feel that that other person still doesn't respect me enough to finally just come clean and offer and explanation of WHY they lied. Again, like you, I am very consciencious, I like to learn facts etc. and I find it very disappointing.

When someone lies, it is all about their charector, not yours. I feel that it is especially difficult when a parent lies to a child. Our bond with our parents should be a bond of truth in my opinion. I can understand your desire to want to distance, even your anger about it. I do that too, because I don't like to be around people who play mind games or are not honest with me. There have been times in my life that I pushed a person that lied to me, I pushed because I just wanted the truth so I could build trust. However, some people have been so weak in charector that when I have pushed for the truth, they actually have turned on me and been mean to me. I had to really find my way through that and to be honest, I still get very discouraged. As far as I am concerned, two wrongs don't make a right. Doing something wrong is the first mistake, lieing about it is another wrong, and as I mentioned there is no right that comes out of it. I think that your very smart and you realize that, it disturbs your intellect, it disturbs mine too. And you know what? If we were to sit down with a big number of the members in PC, you would find that it BOTHERS ALL OF THEM AND THEY REALLY STRUGGLE WITH THAT FACT. Some of them are also very angry about it too.

I think that your mother evades the truth because she doesn't want to lose what she feels is her property, you and your brother. In HER mind, she wasn't happy with your father and he DID tell you that he SHOULD have given her more than he did. So the base truth is that your mother was very disappointed in her relationship with your father. I am sure that over time she got very angry and felt abandoned or that she wasn't really loved and appreciated. When this happens a sense of self worth is a BIG question and in a way it feels like a broken promise. After a while ANGER sets in and this is the danger time. If a woman who is not appreciated (even a man) goes long enough, they are very vulnerable to looking for appreciation somewhere else. If that opportunity arises as was the case with your mother, then an affair can take shape. However, even though there is dishonesty in that, it is fueled by anger of not being appreciated and therefore is justified. You must consider the initial reason for the affair. Even though your mother found another source of appreciation for her, she still held onto the anger of not being appreciated by her original choice in a partner. Your mother is STILL holding onto that ANGER and DISAPPOINTMENT to this day. And somewhere when your father didn't fight for her and expressed to her that he didn't really appreciate her, as he is expressing to you? Your mother got even more angry and her sense of self worth was again denied because your father got angry and divorced her. Believe it or not, it was like a double rejection to your mother's self esteem.

Ok, so lets think about this information JustDontAsk. What I am doing with you is moving to the initial problem in the human psychie that brought all of these confusing emotions out in you. The human psychie is very problematic as we do not LEARN how to understand it. One of the biggest problems with the human psychie is LACK OF COMMUNICATION SKILLS. JustDontAsk, even Stephen Hawking admits that he simply doesn't understand women. ???????? is his sentiment and he is a genius! So consider that.

So lets think about your feelings and your relationship with your mother and you DO feel that you take after your father. There is a space between you and your mother and it is very similar to the relationship she had with your father. I know that you don't see these dimensions but they are truely there, however to this day your mother fails to be honest about HER side and even expresses anger because intially she didn't get the attention she truely craved so long ago. Your mother is not going to consider her affair wrong, even it was wrong. Her main anger started before that happened, and somehow because your father failed the test in her personal needs being met. Instead of communicating her needs to him in a way he could understand, she felt he should have just known. This is a big problem between men and women. Women have this idea that men SHOULD KNOW how to meet their romantic needs and sense of being prized and loved and important above all other things. Men fail this test all the time because they don't think like women, Men marry and then have their careers and interests and think that their job is to just provide. Often once men WOOO the woman into establishing her as a mate, they stop WOOOing and paying attention to the woman that made her fall in love and want to commit in the beginning. Women DONT LIKE THIS and they are disappointed because when the MAN stops putting THEM as a priority they feel UNAPPRECIATED AND UNLOVED. Suddenly they begin to feel deflated and little by little as the man shows less and less attention for them, THEY GET VERY ANGRY INSIDE. Unfortunately women feel that they should not have to tell the man how they feel when this happens. As they experience that loss of attention and wooing it really effects their sense of self esteem and they begin to hurt and anger sets in. Maybe your mother DID try to tell your father in subtle ways and your father didn't get the message. That made your mother feel even worse and as soon as that other man presented her with the wooing she was not recieving, she gave in to that other man. But JustDontAsk, even though she did that, she was only filling a hole in her ego, she was only covering her hurt and disappointment in YOUR FATHER. This is the real wedge that is always going to be between your mother and father and even today THEY FAIL TO COMMUNICATE and there is still anger on both sides. TWO WRONGS NEVER MAKE A RIGHT.

So JustDontAsk, the hole you have between you and your mother is very similar to the hole she has with your father. Her deep psychie is a FEELING OF REJECTION and she just doen't know how to put it into words and it all stems from her feeling neglected.
Your mother doesnt really LOVE your brother more than you. What is REALLY happening is that your brother is filling that unspoken attention that your mother LIKES by choosing to do the things she loves and appreciates in life. In a way your brother is WOOing your mothers EGO. Do YOU woo your mother's ego? No not really, you don't like music, you like sports and other things. You have the right to choose the things you enjoy to do in life. But, your mother STILL doesn't understand WHAT THAT REALLY MEANS. She also doesn't seem to be able to think about FILLING YOUR NEEDS because her psychie is too dependant on RECIEVING ATTENTION to HER needs. This has nothing to do with her LOVING you JustDontAsk. I know it feels that way but apparently your mother is not really seeing that in a way that overcomes that original hurt that she never seemed to be able to put into words.

I think that your mother has you do the chores and other things because somehow it brings you into HER NEEDS. In a way it is kind of a test of her filling something she needs in you that she is NOT REALLY AWARE OF. This problem with your mother stems back to her youth and her inability to communicate her needs somehow, or some of her needs were just not met somehow and JUST AS YOUR DOING RIGHT NOW, she too struggled with a wonder of TRYING TO EXPRESS HER SENSE OF CONFUSION AND FRUSTRATION. So, in a way your a lot like your mother, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE YOUR SENSE OF LOSS AND YOU HAVE A DEEP ANGER TOO.

It isn't easy to completely understand the human psychie if you are not given the base of the problems JustDontAsk. If you really look at your own questions and your own messages of "OH, I AM NOT REALLY THAT IMPORTANT, OR WORTHY". That is the very beginning of WHY PEOPLE LIE AND STRUGGLE TO TELL THE TRUTH. That is also the very beginning of struggling with others that do not give YOU the truth. This is where so many problems in people begin JustDontAsk. What your questioning about your father and mother and your personal struggle with WHO to choose or that you even have to seem to choose all stems from THEIR INABILITY TO COMMUNICATE "THEIR" NEEDS. And the reality is THEY NEVER LEARNED TO DO IT EITHER. This fact is SO COMMON that it is the main reason behind SO MANY CONFUSING THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS in "MOST" HUMAN BEINGS.

Unfortunately JustDontAsk, this problem is handed down through generations within families. And it is a real problem and for most teens your age, it is a major concern and it truely effects their sense of self worth and self esteem and so many your age only speak of some kind of hole that they find depressing and they don't know WHERE IT COMES FROM. And the reality behind it all is just what I have described, PEOPLE DONT KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE THEIR DEEP NEEDS. And unfortunately, often they don't really understand how their deep needs are not being met. And when they look to their parents like we ALL DO? Often because the parents dont understand it either, they have the sense of loss that you are feeling and questioning in yourself.

It is not your fault JustDontAsk, I have give you the REAL truth you so need to understand. It is really important you understand that what your feeling about your parents has nothing to do with their love and honesty to you. It doesn't mean they don't respect you either. Unfortunately, they honestly don't know HOW. We are what we know. All your mothers focus is on the initial sense of loss, anything that comes after that, she feels is not her fault. In a deep sense she feels he actions are justified and she clearly doesn't want to focus on her wrong actions. I know it is really hard for you to understand JustDontAsk and you might have to read this a few times to truely get to the root of the problems in your family. It can seem SO simple to just speak the truth right? Well, it isn't simple because you cannot understand unless you address the REAL root of the WHY behind the LIES.

I think that you should make it a point to study the human psychie. There are a lot of different roots behind the behaviors of human beings. Some problems are from disorders that people cannot help and some problems stem from needs that were not met in childhoods. There is a whole world of information about the human psychie out there that are only learned when YOU take the steps to learn it. It is not a requirement in education unfortunately. At best the bare basics are addressed sadly.

Open Eyes