I have known since I was a young kid that something was always wrong with me. One minute I would be happy and things were fine and the next minute, I was depressed and wanting to die. I was ashamed to tell anyone this for fear of being laughed at or worse, "locked up". As I got older, things didn't change much. I didn't join clubs or sports teams in school for fear of rejection. I kept to myself alot. I did have lots of friends on school, but none of them were real close and they didn't know of my personal struggles. Now at 38, I feel like my whole life has been a mess. I have held countless jobs. Married twice and cheated on both of them more than once. I have been to counselor after counselor and nothing has helped. I went to my family doctor a few years ago (who has taken care of me since I was 8), and told her how I felt. She said that since my mom was bipolar, I probably was too. She put me on Cymbalta and Lamictal. That seemed to help for awhile. But once I felt that I needed something more, my insurance ran out. I was told that my medicine was over $500 a month, so I quit taking it. My moods were back in full swing within 2 weeks. Last year, I went to a psychiatric group and was seeing a very nice girl who was an intern. I also was getting a new medication Pristiq, and I seemed to be doing ok. The meds helped me stay more up but not too up. The girl I was seeing graduated college and moved to a new place. In order for me to continue seeing someone, I would have to start paying. At the time, I wasn't hired full time at my job, had no insurance, and no extra money. So, I quit going. I get the Pristiq for free through the drug company, but not for much longer. I feel as though that isn't working now either. UGH.
Here is a typical day for me: Alarm goes off at 6:30 and I hit snooze until 6:50. I never want to get out of bed so I wait as long as I can before I have to get up. Many mornings I argue with myself about getting up and going to work. I know if I don't get up and go, I can get fired. Some mornings I don't care, others I worry about it. I get up, shower, dress, leave for work. I have many days where I am really motivated to get to work and get my stuff done. Other days, I argue with myself more about going. At work, I am usually happy that I am here. I accomplish a lot and feel good that I can do the things I am assigned. I have several things at my desk that are daily tasks that HAVE to be done....which I think is what keeps me coming in every day. I do worry all day about what someone is saying about me, what they think of me, wonder if they really like me or are just being nice since we work together, etc. At 5pm, I leave to go home. Most of the time, I don't want to go home. But I do cause of my son (he is almost 15). Once home, I play with my puppy, cook dinner, talk to my husband, and then veg out on the internet. Mostly facebook. It drives my husband nuts that I am on the internet so much. But it is either that, or I go to bed. I don't want to go anywhere. I know there is housework to do, but I don't want to do it. It's like I don't care about anything anymore. When I cheated on my current husband, I knew it was wrong. But it was like once the subject was brought up to have sex with these 2 men, I couldn't stop. It became an obsession for me. Although I haven't cheated in almost 2 years, I still think about it every day. I am texting someone right now. I know I shouldn't be. I have tried to stop. But I just can't.
So many days my brain feels like it is on a rollercoaster. Up down. Up down. I cry at the drop of a hat and most times, I don't know why. I am so worried about what others think of me or may be saying about me that I can't concentrate. I have been a cutter for years and it is a daily struggle to not cut. I either sleep all day or don't sleep at all. I don't know what to do. I am scared that if I tell a counselor what all is going on that they will lock me up. If that happens, I lose everything. But I can't keep living like this. My brain never stops.

Ok. Enough rambling. Any thoughts? Ideas? Advice?