((((depressed.fml))))

Hi and welcome to Psychcentral. When I read your post tears filled my eyes and fell across my face. I could relate to your post in a way I wish I never had to remember. I lived what you are describing for years and I know how hard it is. I validate how you are feeling and I am glad that you reached out here and talked about it. Before my dad got custody when I was 12 years old and we had to live there, he had visitation rights and even then I know what you are going through.

For years I went through much of the similar things you are talking about. I watched my brother go through horrible abuse and called stupid, ugly, an idiot, and many other names. He had knocked knee and had to wear braces that my step-mom would tighten the straps so tight it would leve marks and bruises. She would laugh and do things that made it even worse because he cried. There was nothing I could do but watch.

She would put our mom and that side of the family down, and if we would go see her (after my dad got custody after my mom gave us up so we would have to go see our mom on visitations) we paid dearly when we came back. We would be interigated nightly about why we wanted to see her, our clothes were not allowed back into the house until they were checked, etc. I was scared to death for years.

She would yell at us and especially my brother and sister who would cry when they were brought back because they did not want to go back. My little brother was pulled off the bunk bed and told no b*****d would sleep in her beds, and many other things that I cannot bring myself to talk about.

She would lock us out of the house for hours when our dad would be at the school or at football practice as he was the coach (I honestly do not know where we went to the bathroom as I do not have memory of being allowed in the house or eating).

She talked about our mom and that side of the family much how you described and you could not answer it was not allowed. We were often called lazy, useless, and many other things. We seemed to be able to do nothing right, and the constant put downs and fighting was hard to live with and in.

My dad also just sat there and did nothing, until he would finally come in and tell her to knock it off. Often though he would also take part and it just kept getting worse. We never knew what a hug or love was ever. We were there just because my dad proved that he could get us as he was told he never could, not because we were ever wanted. I was so afraid that even telling my sibling I loved them never happened. Not even a hug ever.

I also wanted to end and it was not until my sophomore year that I talked to someone (a lady friend at Church) and told them I wanted to end and they told my school counselor and my dad was called in and he denighed everything. I started seeing a Social Worker until I graduated and got away.

The Social Worker and I had to meet in the boiler room so that my dad and step-mother could not find out I was seeing them. When I graduated I left and still would go back for my siblings but had no other feelings at all. Privacy----had none and even my diary that I hid under my mattress was broken into and I was beaten for that.

I would burn myself at basketball practice on the old iron heaters because the pain that it caused and the marks it left gave me something to concentrate on when I went home instead of the fighting and abuse that took place. I also cut too and wanted to end my life.

I do hear you and want you to know that I understand and get it. You are not alone. I am sure there are other members here that will be able to relate to what you are going through too. Even though it is different there is a similarity and I can feel what you are saying and I do understand more than you know.

It breaks my heart and I really do feel for you. Just know that it is not your fault just as it was not my fault. They are the adults and they are the ones responsible for what they are doing. What you are feeling makes sense and it is no wonder why you feel this way.

I am glad you have a mom that is getting you the help you deserve and need. I hope that you are telling them what you said here. Maybe even copy your post and show them what you wrote. I hear your fear about your dad finding out and I remember that fear but keep talking and allowing your mom to help you.

You are important and you have the right to be safe and able to talk about this. But I validate that fear for I know and understand how that fear is real. I hear you that you cut and I want you to know that I understand that too. But you do not have to do that. I get how that comes about and why (or at least why I did), but you do not deserve to hurt as you are already hurting enough.

No one ever told me that when I was growing up. I did not know any one cared or understood, not even the Social Worker because no one could reach me by that time. For me it was a way to keep going as I was too afraid to tell anything for fear of what would happen or what my siblings would face after I graduated.

I did not have a mom that cared, and there was no one else because they made it impossible and it never stopped. I am just now begining to really tell and to really understand that I was not the only one that had to go through this stuff. I did not have an internet or computer or any way to reach out for help to others to know I was not alone.

I am so glad that you are reaching out and talking about it. You are not alone and I do get it. I do hope that you will keep talking and keep posting. I hope that I did not say too much but I wanted you to know that I hear you and I get it. I hope that sharing some of my own life will let you know that you are not alone and that someone does get it. I went through a lot of the same/similar things. But it is NOT your fault, NEVER was or will it be, just as I am finally realizing it was not mine.

Your life is important and you are important. It will not last forever and someday you will not have to go through it anymore. You will be able to step out and make your life what you want to make it. I know how death seems the way out but truly it is not. Death is a permentant thing to something that will not last forever.

Just know that your life is worth much more than ending it. Know that you are not alone and that now someone knows and does understand. I do hear you and I do care. Please keep reaching out, talking to your mom who sounds like she does care, to your therapists and talking about things. Talk about the bad stuff as you can and believe in yourself.

My heart goes out to you and I cry tears not only for my own memories that have hit me but for you and what you are going through. Please take care of yourself and know that you are worth getting the help you deserve and need. Know that it will not be forever. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts, if okay. Thank you for posting and reaching out. We are here for you and you are understood and cared about.

dps