I don't know what to say anymore. but just let me as simple as i can. I am dwelling with 2 very, very different perspective. the one where i just turn my back on my family and walk this road alone to be myself (that's what will this come to unhappyguy) or keep pretending and try to ba as happy as it's humanly possible when you feel like the most lonely person that has ever been created (that's what brought me here in the first place Klove).
so basically i am screwed somehow bothways now that's the biggest sign of love! God does really love me and put a lot of care planning my miserable life so i don't get to see any light of hope.
don't get me wrong, i was big on faith, no one taught me to believe, everyone around me took it for granted, i walked that road alone, i searched and learned, found God and loved him so much. when i discovered i am gay, i just stopped thinking about him, becaue i couldn't bare the thought of losing him. but i was a kid. now i dry my tears and say to myself, i am just a human, his creation, i can't possibly have the insight into the Big Plan.
the sad truth is, that doesn't help anymore, i don't feel loved by him anymore, or anyone else for that matter. in fact it s not a feeling, it s the truth.
so yey, i ll be miserable anyway, i can go with what unhappyguy suggested "don't be a slave" -please man, i am really relieved in a way, that you see these dark thoughts in my head on your own, but don't you dare talk harm about my family again, i am the liar, they are not enslaving me, i volunteered. thanks- or live my life behind a mask like KLove suggests and keep lying to the people i love for the ultimate good. somehow i can't see that happening any soon ^^' first, to find someone/partner i have to say i am gay, or hang out with gays, so it won't really be a secret, and eventually it will blow up! and i don't believe that love/aaffection can be nurrished through lies.

ok maybe tonight i am sounding very negative, can't help it though. has been a tough day or week, honestly i can't tell the difference, so maybe i ll get back to you with some different reply next time i read your post.
so Klove thanks for the advice, and unhappyguy i won't thank you again because you asked me not to be safe people and keep up the good work!